The Wee Democracy

get up, stand up

well, its clearly been far too long since i've gone on my political soap box, and i think its high time i offended the right and alienated me some conservatives!! i'm concerned about more than a few things in these last couple of weeks. censorship, privacy issues, the 9/11 commission, which is clearly only for show, and so i guess i'll tackle them in reverse order.

the 9/11 commission is a joke. richard clarke got up there, admitted that they made mistakes, that there were serious shortcomings and apologized. and he's the only one so far. i suppose what really busted my chops was condoleeza rice getting up there and spewing all manner of just foolish nonsense at the commission to no end. i was right there yelling "booyah!" when that one commissioner, bob kerry said that he wouldn't be filibustered, cause that's exactly what that woman was doing. she wasn't interested in letting the truth be known. she wanted to go, and get it over with, and went in with a strategy of winding down the clock.

then bush and cheney go in together -- well, the puppet can't talk on his own, can he? someone's got to be there to hold the strings. and this whole business about not being allowed to be sworn in? please. that's like a license to lie. which i'm sure they did...in spades.

none of this is an original argument, by any means. but what bothers me is that this commission was set up to find out what happened and it never will. not until the current president is replaced. the entire country deserves to know the truth, and several thousand who deserve to know it more than anyone else. and they won't get it. because bush wants to play president for a few more years.

privacy issues. now someone like me, who does alot of shit online -- paying bills, buying stuff, yada yada yada trusts those little lock icons at the bottom of the IE window to keep my shit private.

little did i know that my bank can turn right the hell around and sell my private information unless i expressly forbid them to do so? how is that legal, one might ask, and rightly so. the answer: lobbyists.

like the wee democracy that is my body, america's under the rule not of a true democracy, but rather an oligarchy of the powerful and wealthy. i'm not painting myself as a class warrior, and i'm certainly not averse to making money and success, and i sure as shit would love to be rich, but i mean, damn. banks make shitloads and shitloads of money off us, off investments, credit cards, overdrafts, interest. but they still stoop to low and ethically questionable means to make more.

it's like the oracle said in the matrix reloaded: what do all men with power want? more power.

but i don't want power. i want a nice house, and an endless supply of hawaiian punch.

and censorship. rush limbaugh is free to say the most asinine and offensive and inflammatory...and often incorrect things, but because he is allied to those most in favor of censorship, this admitted junkie stays on the waves. actually, i'm just going to link you up to roger ebert's essay on the matter, because he puts it far more eloquently than i have.

either way, i'm terribly scared that this whole fcc/obscenity/censorship thing is going to affect how many thong clad honeys i am going to see on elimidate from now on. it better not!

ok, i'm stepping off the soapbox now.

shit! i fell.



feeling: sorry for myself and my mavs
thinking of: NY next week, baby!
song of the day: the times they are a-changin' - bob dylan
come senators, congressmen, please heed the call. don't stand in the doorway, don't block up the hall. for he that gets hurt will be he who has stalled. the battle outside ragin' will soon shake your windows and rattle you walls, for the times, they are a-changin'

...sing it, bob

tessa

i talked to tessajane last night, for over an hour. i like talking to her on the phone -- partly because she's got the accent, and that is almost unassailably cool, but also because we can talk about all manner of bullshit to no end. i mean, we'd chat on the phone for like 15 or 20 minutes back in the day, and she lived next door to me. anyways, she got on to me about not finishing the recap of my trip to austin, mainly because it largely involves time w/ her, and she loves to read about herself. but who doesn't?

i met tessa in the early days of fall semester, 2002. she was in my american novel class, and i believe we were in the midst of reading 'catcher in the rye'. so i was walking to class from the old F156 one day, and i heard someone a-callin' "josh! josh!" behind me. this was, of course, very typical of my class walking experience, what with my throngs of fans constantly begging for autographs and photos. but, nonetheless, gracious celebrity that i am, i turned around to see what screaming young lady was trying to get my attention. i'll admit, i was pretty pleased to see that it was her. you see, i'd instantly taken a shine to this little expatriot in class, due to the aforementioned accent. so we walked, talked, discussed holden, etc. and we got to be pertty good friends, despite her often lame choice in boyfriends, and other boy friends.

some of my favorite things to do around/with tessa:

- well, first and foremost, the tessa voice. it sounds absolutley nothing like her, but rather a tranny version of julia child smoking serious crack-rock.

- badmouth vegetarianism in general, and poo poo the cooking smells she used to infuse in my apartment.

- book browsing in the co-op basement.

- concocting elaborate and often partially illegal means of keeping her in the country as long as possible.

- drinking downtown....alot. we had a really good time on the e-bus with strangers one night, and she was a pretty good wing man, almost as good as my cousin marco.

- watching movies. i love watching movies w/ her because she's pretty silent throughout. and when she does comment on something, its usually pretty deserving of comment.

- tossing around movie quotes from sequels, like addams family values, wayne's world 2, and a very brady sequel.

- grocery shopping. arguing almost constantly about pre-packaged sauces versus freshly made stuff. laziness prevails.

i tell you now, she rocks pretty hard, people. i'm of the opinion that everyone should have a friendly neighborhood tessa in their company. she makes you feel like you're home. plus, she was always up for late night shenanigans, walks, and conversations.

but she's going back to dreary old england tomorrow, and we'll be lost without her. crapfest.



feeling: sick...again. stupid germs.
thinking of: will i or won't i? i want to, but should i? how should i go about it?
song of the day: all my little words - the magnetic fields
you are a splendid butterfly. it is your wings that make you beautiful. and i could make you fly away. but i could never make you stay

old videos

i've got shitloads of videos in my house. stacks and stacks of movies, and then even more stacks of vhs tapes with various tv things recorded on to 'em. the other day, i don't know why, i was motivated to go searching for one of those videos so i could find an old unsolved mysteries episode about a man named DB Cooper. in broad strokes, he skyjacked a 727 back in 1971 for 200k. he jumped out of the back of the plane, and disappeared into history. pretty cool, huh?

db cooper to me is one of those stories like the titanic -- you know, fascinating in its own right, but what makes it so much moreso is first person accounts of the incident. you've got the words of a pilot, the flight attendant, the FBI man, a witness who may have seen his white parachute land in a cold lake. then, you've got the most interesting parts: dramatizations, theories as to what happened to this lone crackpot. they showed him shivering in his black business suit, trying to start a fire with his zippo. and thus was born my love for zippos and my belief that they can save your life.

i probably saw this unsolved mysteries segment when i was about 7, and for the longest time i tried to watch UM as much as i could, in case they had an update about mr. cooper. plus, my sister and i had this ongoing theory that one of the flight attendant was in cahoots with ol' DB if not himself, post operation....she just traced her face so neatly when describing the man.

plus, when you think about it, as the only unsolved skyjacking in american history, he gave a pretty killer fuck-you to the FBI. so in that right, he at least makes me smile.

yeah, i haven't really gotten past that imaginative stage in which i solve the case. robert stack would love me. you know, if he weren't dead.



feeling: hungry. smelly.
thinking of: my mind's a blank
song of the day: don't think twice, it's all right - bob dylan
i ain't sayin' you treated me unkind. you coulda done better, but i don't mind. you just kinda wasted my precious time, but don't think twice, it's all right

what's your sign?

a friend of mine, the curiosly monikered cuzi saidso (i think its an alias, but you never know -- i mean, one of the major benefactor's at UT was named ima hogg...no bullshit) i recently found out was a cancer. i, as some of you may know, am a scorpio.

now i never used to put much stock into horoscopes. i mean, occasionally in high school i used to read mine, and then read the horoscope of a girl i was into to see if our karmas were intertwined. i think they were once, but i didn't see her, so that put me off astrology for quite some time.

but, still, i check my sign against other signs, most of the time utilizing yahoo to do so. gee, you'd think what with all the compatibility yahoo professes scorpios have with so many other signs, i'd not be single. let's have a look....

scorpio and...aries
"When Aries and Scorpio come together in a love affair, it can be the kind of relationship where they both wonder how they ever managed apart."

hmm, interesting. and where is this bundle of wonderful, yahoo?

scorpio and....taurus
"When Taurus and Scorpio come together in a love affair, their union is nothing if not intense, whether that's in a positive or a negative way. They are opposite Signs in the Zodiac, giving them a special, complex connection"

ok, so i should stay away from taurii? or is this a forecast of hot jungle love? yahoo is so vague...

scorpio and...gemini
"When Gemini and Scorpio come together in a love affair, they'll need to learn to understand and accept one another's differences -- and if they can, they will be a nearly unbreakable couple. Where Gemini is adaptable, intellectual, outgoing and chatty, Scorpio tends to be secretive, focused, intense and determined. "

well, my mom's a gemini and we don't get along at all. in fact, i often wonder how i sprang from her womb. my guess is, with as much gusto as possible to get away from such awful taste in music. gemini's are out.

scorpio and...cancer
"When Cancer and Scorpio make a love match, the resulting relationship draws together the energies of two emotionally intense Signs."

i see. so far, cancers and joshes might be good. we'll keep that in mind. thank, yahoo.

scorpio and....leo
"When Leo and Scorpio join together in a love match, the result is usually a dynamic and intense union. They are well tuned in to one another's needs; Scorpio demands respect and to be wanted while Leo needs to be adored and complimented constantly."

well, i do demand respect and am not averse to being wanted...so leo's an option, too. let's move on.

scorpio and...virgo.
"When Virgo and Scorpio join together in a love match, these Signs that are two apart in the Zodiac are brought together. Their placement gives the relationship an intense karmic bond."

now that's an astute observation, yahoo. you've got to do better than that.

scorpio and...libra
"When Libra and Scorpio come together in a love affair, they tend to make a very emotionally connected and mutually satisfying union."

it seems like yahoo just got lazy as we go on deeper into the zodiac. and this is the point where i start suspecting that they're just lying about my compatibility factor. but we'll proceed.

scorpio and...scorpio!!
"When two Scorpions make a love match, it is a fierce tempest of intense passion."

now that's what i'm talkin' about!! scorpios forever!!

scorpio and ...saggitarius
"If a Scorpio and a Sagittarius want to make a love match, they should be warned to slow down, take their time getting to know one another on a deep, significant level or else they run the risk of getting way ahead of themselves."

dudes, i'm not that patient. it's not my fault! i'm a scorpio!

scorpio and...capricorn
"When Scorpio and Capricorn make a love match, they get an opportunity to not only enjoy a loving relationship and learn the value of being a pair, but also to grow and mature as individuals."

this is the kenny g of love matches. sorry, out.

scorpio and...aquarius
"When Scorpio and Aquarius make a love match, it is a fusion of two very different life philosophies and many very different needs."

this is not the dawning of the age of aquarius. i can't be with someone whose philosophy dictates something like...not eating meat. apologies

scorpio and...pisces
"When Scorpio and Pisces make a love match, theirs is a splendid union of much respect and understanding."

ok, this is the third such vague message from the yahoo astrological powers that be. so forget that. pisceses are out!

so if you're a cancer, a kinky taurus, a leo, or a scorpio, we should hook up. seriously!

i'm not serious.



feeling: pain in my shoulder. pain for my mavericks.
thinking of: my new cd. mine all MINE!!
song of the day: where is my mind - nada surf (quite possibly equal to the pixies original)
where is my mind? way out in the water. see it swimming?

a letter

dear my hair,

first let me start out by saying that i love you. your rich color and luxurient thickness astound me, and despite my constant nitpicking about other things i dislike about me, you remain my achilles heel. my sole vanity. my pride and joy.

now, my hair, in the past i've gone long periods without cutting you, mainly because i loved to gaze at you so, and no matter how much nagging the old matriarch did, i wouldn't part with any of you! finally, when the heat of the texas summer cause me to sweat and you to suffer, i did us both a favor, cutting you short -- letting us both breathe.

but even then, i kept our relationship within the family. i cut you myself, my hair, and we saved money and dignity. you stood by me when stress gave me early grays a few years ago, and i stood by you when you wanted to branch out freshman year and abandon our normal brown for blonde and blue. we rocked that look hard, my hair, and the ladies loved us so.

i wash you, rinse you, repeat it all, and style you with care and precision. i love you, my hair. and it pains me to see the way you've betrayed me! my judas hair!

after all the love, why? why must you abandon me? i see you trying it subtly enough, making my widow's peak peakier at first....but then, when i used a mirror to see behind myself, i saw you sneaking out the back door! why such treachery, my hair? sure, no one knows it yet, and alot of people are too short to notice the top of my head, but i know! i know you're stepping out on me, and despite my love and attention, you're seeking greener pastures. and it hurts me.

genetics, you say? blame my mom, maybe? my stupid bald dad? blame them? easy red herrings, my hair, but i cannot! i blame you! your lack of loyalty pains me to no end, and i will not give you up without a fight!

we've been together for 23 and a half years...our relationship is still in its youth. i'm not letting you throw it away, my hair. this is only the beginning.



feeling: woe is me!
thinking of: aidan, the crazy bag man
song of the day: laid - james
you're driving me crazy, when are you coming home?

leah story

as of riiiiiiight now, my counter stands at 1,234 hits.

this one time, when we were staying at my dad's crib for the weekend, leah had done some shopping in dallas w/ my mom. she'd bought a bunch of stuff, and when she got back, it was kinda late.

she came into my room, where i was in the process of going to bed. having roused me from my fake sleep, she showed me all her new gear, then demanded i get out of bed, that this sleep thing was preposterous.

"besides, you CAN'T go to bed now!" she said.

"why?"

"because....it's 12:34...and if you go to bed at that time it's bad luck."

i've heard different since then, and mainly it involves kissing someone at that moment. personally, i'm more in favor of that rumor than leah's.



feeling: kinda hungry
thinking of: i dunno...watching tv?
song of the day: the dream of evan and chan - dntel

more things i love

1. Days so lovely that they can only be described as beautiful frisbee golf days.

2. Getting my bills paid every month, tossing that monkey another 30 days into the future.

3. The fact that i spent a good portion of my senior year in high school flying a kite.

4. Pepsi more than coke, betty more than wilma, the stones more than the beatles, the second batman more than the first

5. the three days before a trip out of town -- a long trip, not a weekend job. it's so full of anticipation. i like picking what clothes to take, making lists, washing the clothes, folding them meticulously, debating what cd's and books to stuff into my bag.

6. lists -- there's something very neat and tidy about making lists. it's like a checklist of personality traits.

7. i loved registering for classes back when i was in school. not the first two years so much, because i was aimless. but the second two years - when i was taking more english classes. that was fun.

8. book shopping -- few joys in life compare to a crispy new book. and it usually ran hand in book-lovin' hand with registering for classes. i could spend hours walking the co-op basement looking at all the books english students got to read, and feeling envy at some, superiority to others. not that arrogant kind of superiority, but rather the, damn, i'm taking waaaay more interesting classes than you, dude.

9. ghost stories.

10. getting letters in the mail. or any mail for that matter. i like seeing the mailbox bulge with letters from people. it rocks.

sub 10 - fan mail!

11. carrie, samantha, miranda, charlotte, harry, aidan, mr. big, tony, carmela, paulie, christopher, nate, david, keith, claire, ruth, larry, cheryl, jeff, jack, kim, nina, palmer, jerri, onyx blackman, noblet, jellineck, and ALF.

12. candy. i've a weakness for sweets. especially M&M's....peanut ones, and popcorn. nummy.

13. (borrowed from bekah, but still rockin) getting cd stickers off in one piece.

14. finding money.....but seriously, who doesn't love that??

15. when my hair gets long enough that wind blowing actually makes a difference and allows me to sport one of the many rockin' styles in my repetoire.

16. laughing so hard, i can feel my head getting lighter.



feeling: ok
thinking of: leah
song of the day: the weight - the band
i put down my bags, i went lookin' for a place to hide, when i saw ol' carmen and the devil walkin' side by side. i said, hey ccarmen, come on, let's go down town. she said, i got to go, but my friend can stick around

i'd like to live on the moon

the mall i work at used to have tv monitors in the food court. they weren't ever tuned to anything but some private circuit thingie, and mainly they just played family oriented crap. one thing they did play that i enjoyed, back in the day, was some old school sesame street musical bits.

this one they played, the one that i remember with the greatest clarity, was the one where ernie was up late at night, singing:


well, i'd like to visit the moon
on a rocket ship high in the air.
yes i'd like to visit the moon
but i don't think i'd like to live there.
though i'd like to look down on the earth from above,
i would miss all the places and people i love.
so although i might like it for one afternoon
i don't want to live on the moon

that's what i've got on my mind tonight. you want something so bad sometimes, and you let that want blind you to the reality - desires aren't always practica. and on that rare occasion when you get the opportunity to have that thing you want so bad, it rarely lives up to the hype, and usually just turns out to be predictably sub par.

i'm writing this at nearly two in the morning, trying in some way to purge this shitty feeling that haunts most nights. i don't know why, but nights have been a hard time to deal with the last year or so. i used to think that it was loneliness but i'm pretty sure that's not it. nights are quiet most of the time. sometimes, i can hear a train's whistle in the distance. i don't even know where train tracks are around here, so that's an indicator of how quiet it gets. beside the point....my point is, all the ghouls come out when it's quiet. and you've got all the time in the world to contemplate them. whatever.

all that aside, i've gotta hand it to ernie: he's better at reconciling imagination and the parameters of reality than i am. you know, for a muppet.



feeling: crappy!
thinking of: moving to new york!
song of the day: ernie's song and waltz #2 - elliott smith
i'm never gonna know you know, but i'm gonna love you anyhow

questions as to why

i think you find self-deprecation cathartic josh. i think this blog is your public flagellation, your daily ablution, your pained masturbation.

-- the inestimable damon h., Esq.

i've put off writing the recap to rest of my trip to austin for two reasons. one, the last recap took a lot longer than expected, and let's face it - i'm not known for being completely averse to laziness. i find it a virtue, almost, but with this proviso. you've got to be funny about your laziness. if, perchance, you are too lazy to shower, then i might have a bone to pick with your smelliness. but if you're too lazy to cook, and therefore eat cold beans out of a can stabbed open with a wrench or something, then i'll laugh and pat you on the back.

the second reason was that i found it a bit more compelling to explore my motives for this action that i've kept up with for an unprecedented nine months (almost), that is to say, blogging.

what exactly are my motivations for doing this? damon is partly right that this is cathartic. i'm rarely more at ease with myself than when i'm writing. part of the reason i installed that counter was to feel like the sentiments i express are actually being digested by strangers, not just family members and friends, morally, and i believe, legally, obligated to read my stuff.

the flagellation part i'm not sure i agree with. not that i don't engage in the perverse-but-always fun of verbally smacking myself around, but i usually save that for the private moments away from this forum. most of the time when i badmouth myself here or in public, i try to do it in a humorous manner.

now, ablution, i'll admit, i had to look up. it allegedly means a cleansing, or bathing, if you will, and i'm assuming that damon was insinuating that i'm trying to wash away the ickiness of me-ness. to this i say, hey, man. i shower everyday! so don't tell me i stink!

the pained masturbation? now that sentiment, i just don't get. masturbation saves the nation.

i think, though, that this blog is me really making the first steps toward meeting people. yes, i know, it's a very roundabout and somewhat chicken way to go about it, but it's a start. like mark says, i often feel like an alien trying deseperately to be human. this is the closest thing to an open book right now, and i've tried to lay my life down in it since last august (which, tragically enough, was lost in the archival shuffle some months ago). it's an attempt to let people who don't already know me get to know me without going through the process of actually meeting them.

that process i find awkward at first, and i'm not a fan of awkwardness. meeting someone, you never meet the real them. you meet a representative of the person they'd like to be. this, if fate ever deals me the possibility of someone who knows me from my blog first, eliminates the possibility that i can be phoney with you. this is the closest thing to knowing the real me. i am a moody bastard. but at least i make jokes about it.

on the other hand, i have a tremendous singing voice.



feeling: i won't say confident, but a teeeeeeny bit surer that i'm acutally a fairly alright person
thinking of: wishing i had the scratch to hit the beach. waves would do me some good about now. good ones, though, not those scary nightmare ones. stupid nightmares.
song of the day: bicycle tricycle - rosie thomas
bicycle tricycle take me far with my hands on your handlebars

RECAP

april 13th - josh meets josh

i take the hound to austin, leaving dallas around half past noon, and taking note, rather quickly, that if you're white and riding the hound, you are about 80% more likely to be in possession of stickered-up guitar case. the bus ride down is uneventful enough, and i actually catch about an hour's worth of sleep. i wake up about 3/4 of the way to waco, which is almost half way to austin, then i just read and listen to music and think the rest of the way.

i do a lot of thinking on the bus, and sad to say, melancholy josh makes a ferocious comeback. he's a tough little bastard to kill, and he makes such a convincing argument, you've just got to listen to him. but i manage not to let him get me down, and things perk up a bit when i see the familiar austin skyline.

i take a cab with a friendly black driver who, i guess, has maybe about 10 to 14 teeth left. he's actually very nice and gabs an acceptable amount, and mainly about things i can talk about. this is the moment, as we're driving west on 26th street through the northern end of campus, that i realize that this is no longer my home. the place i felt most comfortable for so long (though i bitched about feeling implicitly uncomfortable for the majority of my time there) feels foreign and empty, and i feel like al bundy, trying to recapture the glory of four touchdowns at polk high.

but i arrive at smoot's, feeling alright, barging in like old days, and shortly thereafter finding myself swilling a budweiser. we talk, i change shirts as the other one is a tad sweaty. we take one of his friends to the airport and call up a mutual buddy, sarah k, for dinner.

at dinner, i am in top form, and am letting sarah k have it with both barrels, making jokes that make her blush, and, inexplicably, get mad at mark instead of me, as if he were my handler, a parent who's spoiled little child is pelting the maitre'd with peas. she survives, though.

we go to stubbs, to see rosie thomas and josh ritter. josh's show is one of those rarities where a musician is as good live, if not better, than on the album. changes are minor, and mostly, for the fun of a live venue. many of my favorite songs are played, and he breaks into an unplugged solo a few songs in, when i am close enough to hear everything.

dana shows up, as per our plans, but is clearly tired, and is only so-so into the music. the set is great, but short, maybe only 40 to 45 minutes. there is an encore, but the wait is maybe only a minute, because the crowd is maybe only 50 or 60 people deep, and we're not sure if there's even going to be an encore. but there is, and it's cool.

afterwards, i meet and talk to rosie thomas, who is cool, and whom i've developed a minor crush on. i ask for a cd, even though i don't really really want one, because i feel it is the right thing to do, and i want her to like, hug me or something. she doesn't, but in the end i'm glad that i bought her cd. it's pretty badass. i also buy hello starling, which has been out for some time now, but i had yet to procure it.

so it's while i'm standing there, shootin' the shit with RT, that josh ritter walks in with a wee little fan club surrounding him. older women, i surmise, who are trying to mack on the dude, and name drop and shit. he tries to escape there fueled-by-alcohol-clutches, but i still have to wait, like 5 minutes before i get to talk to him. but i do...for like ten minutes, there's me and mark and dana, just shooting the shit with josh ritter.

i tell him that i heard 'come and find me' on six feet under, and that i'd been hooked ever since. he confides that much of his family on his father's side is in the undertaking business, and that he was a stud for getting his song on that show. rock on, i say. he impresses both myself and smoot for asking people what they do. it's very nice and personable, and the man seems genuinely flattered to have fans say things to him. he's the kind of guy you just want to be friends with. ok. maybe i developed a minor crush on him, too.

i sleep at dana's.


april 14th - tessa arrives, and i lose my voice, most improbably

i wake up today, filled with the most lovely of promising feelings. i stand in the shower, fretting over what to wear, what to say, what to do, when tessa arrives in this afternoon. i've got plenty of time, but still...i love the anticipation.

i watch some espn, some E! and eventually get my shit together to head back to mark's place in west campus. the bus ride is short, and fairly easy. i think were i to ride the same distance in dallas, it would probably take about an hour, as opposed to the 30 minutes it took in austin. i'm convinced mass transit in austin is far more organized these days. i hit his place, and then we head to a little sandwich shop of north lamar. they're good sandwiches, and i get the small one. it's a very filling meal, and i'm stoked about the fact that i ate a hearty lunch for around 4 bucks.

we watch the sopranos, which are badass. we have just finished up the second episode when it's about time we departed to pick up the tessajane. lil flip and david banner have to be picked up first, and the famous tessa voice rehearses before it's triumphant return.

when we get there, she's nowhere to be found, and a moment of panic washes over me, a nameless dread that we've lost her, and she's taken a cab to god knows where only to turn up two days later, wishing me a good trip back to dallas!! she eventually shows up, a victim of the second worst air disaster - a delay. the first, i'm informed by her, would be best described as airborne fireball.

hungry from her flight, we decide that shady grove is the place to be for dinner. and though i have a forbidding feeling about sitting outside, mark and tessa are adamant, it being a "lovely" day. i am staunchly anti-sunny days, but i concede, only to be convinced that i am without a doubt the person in possession of the shittiest luck, and the gift of foresight. i am pooped on by a bird within minutes of arrival. the little bastard, whom i then name osama, perches atop this big fuckin' tree, many yards away from my best knife throw. i wash off my hair (my beautiful luscious hair) and return to the table, vowing revenge. it is mere moments later, that mark is attacked by this winged savage, and, too, pooped on.

we hurriedly finish our meal, fearing that he's merely waiting to strike tessa and complete his masterpiece. little fucker.

we go to the grocery store, and i engage in one of my favorite mark-tessa-josh pasttimes, which is to steal her shopping cart and hide in the store for a few minutes. we buy beer.

she's tired so we drop her off where she's staying...a sweltering sesspool of indie rock and oodles of noodles. mark and i retired to the old E 243 and watch us like, five hours of basketball.

interestingly enough the most riveting game comes from LA and Portland. if LA wins, because sacramento has lost, dallas will NOT have to play the lakers come playoff time. so we're cheering for a team we absolutely loathe. and the end of regulation, kobe (whom i think is guilty, personally) makes the most improbable 3 pt. shot ever to send the game into overtime. i cheer...loud, screaming, yahooing. weird. then, at the end of double OT, he makes the new most improbable 3 pt. shot i've ever seen and they win the game. i swear i felt something fly loose in my throat, and my voice is gone for the next several hours. weird.


recaps continue tomorrow, covering the rest of the trip.



feeling: weird
thinking of: thomas wolfe, and the re-emergence of e-beth
albums for the trip: josh ritter - hello starling
rosie thomas - when we were small
death cab for cutie - transatlanticism
an elliott smith compilation

resurrection

i'm back. but tired. and still trying to hash out everything i want to say. more later.



feeling: i said more later, dammit!!

....here we go.

i'm a dot.



feeling: not very good, actually
thinking of: what went wrong?
song of the day: creep - radiohead
i want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul. i want you to notice when i'm not around. you're so fucking special. i wish i was special.

a crap attitude...no more!!

i was trying to write earlier. my previous short entry details how i couldn't come up with anything to talk about at any considerable length, and even now, my fingers, it would seem, have forgotten their well worn trails among the keyboard. sentences are flowing like molasses.

but one of the things i tried to convey earlier was that on friday, i was in a good mood. and then i started to feel uneasy. like the good mood wouldn't last, and that knot in my stomach, i realized was waiting for the other puma to drop. so it turns out, that my anxiety about being happy, led inexorably to my being in a crap mood.

that's a pretty fuckin' sad state of affairs, and so, like every super hero, i've got to shrug off the mask, and forget who i think i am.

i'm ready for the good times to start rolling, and not because i think that's what fate's got in store for me. i've got to learn not to wait for life just to happen to me. i've got to make decisions, and not be so worried about what might go wrong. sack up! be a man!

things are gonna change, i can feel it



feeling: stronger
thinking of: being faster, better!
song of the rest of the day: loser - beck
see above

block

i wrote a story the other day, the first i've finished in quite some time...and since then, i can't write crap.




feeling: blah
thinking of: the hound
song of the day: i can't even pick out a song!!

Apologies

I sincerely apologize to all christians (except the crazy ones) and christian enthusiasts. my simple minded comments were in no way meant to demean christians as a whole. only the completely fucking nutbar ones. in the future, i will be sure to consider my demographic and will do my utmost to refrain from insulting those who do not fall into the cuckoo patrol category. i'm sorry.




feeling: kinda nauseous :(
thinking of: swimming
song of the day: dreams - the cranberries
the yodeling part. i love it.

WHAT THE FUCK?

dude, christians are a bizarre people

fun with idiots

when i was a sophomore in college, i used to work in the dorm cafeteria. now, there were few times when i had to put certain rat bastards in their place. mainly with little tortures just to embarass them in front of their pals and other people. you see, i worked in the dessert line, and when people are getting dessert it's a quick thing, and lines don't tend to build up that quickly.

we served pushups. so when it was slow, i used to fill up the hollow plastic handles with ice, so that with time it would melt in the hand of the deserving student, and drip down the wrist! guerilla tactics!! i would give mushy ice cream sandwiches to those folks who offered me sass mouth or some smarmy comment.

it wasn't too bad when i was allowed to bring my cd player up there. i'd make these mix tapes that would last about 90 minutes. so you go through the tape twice, and boom bang, your shift is done! and they were good mixes too. people would comment, oh, i love that song! the old lady that served ice cream with me and i would dance some times, cause i'd throw in some motown for old times' sake. then this old wet blanket of a supervisor told me that radios were illegal, and that i needed to put mine away.

"what if people want to listen to the music?" i asked. he suggested that they could fill out comment cards. so i, man of the people that i am, went and swiped a stack of comment cards and put a couple of pens on the glass case. "fill one out!" i called to the people. for about an hour, until the wet blanket came back and told me to knock it off. in retrospect, i'm lucky i didn't get fired.

i'm also lucky i didn't get fired for the crowning grace of my guerilla war against the rude. this guy came up once and wanted ice cream. "cup or cone" i asked. "i don't care what you put it in." "well can you pick one?" "no," he said and laughed. so i got a big scoop of ice cream, i mean huge, put it in my hand and handed it to him. he stormed off, muttering "smart ass" to the laughter of the line behind him. it was aweome....awesome.

i've got a stalker. it so rocks.



feeling: pretty good
thinking of: the beach
song of the day: pictures of you - the cure
I've been looking so long at these pictures of you that I almost believe that they're real

superheroes

i was writing a quiz for a friend yesterday and one of the questions was "if you could be a superhero/villain, who would you be?". i had to answer this question myself later, and my answer was torn. i'd choose either spiderman or batman. i mean, being a superhero would almost be a raw deal if you didn't have the powers that made you a badass. spiderman lost his parents, his uncle got pieced because of him, and he watched his girlfriend get tossed of a bridge (gwen stacy, who died, not kirsten dunst, who lived -- fuckin movie). and batman watched his parents get gunned down in front of him. plus, he seems to go through robins with some consistency, and he has not much luck with the ladies. i mean, he falls in love with one of his enemis (catwoman).

spiderman does have the cooler powers. the ablity to walk on walls, the ceilings, spinning webs, spidey-sense, super strength and agility. that stuff IS awesome. batman has no superpowers, aside from being incredibly strong (which he has to work at to keep) and a genius and a multi gajillionaire. but....he does have the fucking batmobile, which, by itself, is a pretty strong trump card.

i suppose this desire to be one of them arises out of my desire to simply be someone else entirely. and if i'm playing the fantasy game, why NOT choose a superhero? and what i'm getting at, i think, is that i should probably just be content with being me, as it's never going to happen that a radioactive spider will bite me. and even if it did, the only superpowers i'd get would probably be the ability to shake on the floor and shit in my pants.

so, i gotta be content to be me. that's a tough sell, because i don't have a cool car...or a car at all, for that matter. i'm not a multi-gajillionaire. i can't lift ten times my own body weight, or fly through the air with the greatest of ease.

what i'm getting at though, is not some "i feel sorry for myself for being so lame" thing. i'm tired of that, tired of the whole self pity party, and while i can't promise that i'll give it up for good, or even for the rest of the day, i need to try harder to look past it. if i can, if i can see past the mountains of erroneous bullshit i've piled up inside my head, maybe i can be joshman.

and maybe i'll find myself a comic book wife.



feeling: daunted
thinking of: the beach
song of the day: beautiful world - colin hay
my my my, it's a beautiful world, i like swimming in the sea. i like to go out beyond the white breakers, where a man can still be free, or a woman if you are one. i like swimming in the sea

the cure

seeing as how i'm an incredible ass-kisser, and i don't want to appear uncool in the salad days of friendship with a stranger who i think is either a stalker or figment of my imagination meant to taunt me to the very edge of reason and sanity, i'm going to write a little blogette about the cure.

i've mentioned it before, that i was exposed to them via their live album "show" by my sister leah, in the waning days of my middle school career -- 14-15. now looking back on it, being 14-15 knowing alot of cure songs probably made me pretty cool, but for the first few months, i hated them. but what did i know? i liked abba.

it started the same way it always starts - one song on the album that i like. on "show" it was trust, which is still well-liked, but far from my fav on that cd. so i'd put up with pictures of you, doing the unstuck, lullaby, then get to trust, and be alright the rest of the way to school. then i got to like friday i'm in love. then lullaby.

this one time we gave this dude from my school a ride from the nearby mcdonald's back to el escuelo, and he was asking what it was that we were listening to, and i said, the cure. he didn't like it, but i said, it grows on you.

then sophomore year, this cool guy i knew, andrew jennings was singing in the hallway...."its the perfect day to throw back your head..." and i finished "and kiss it all goodbye". and he looked at me funny. "you know the cure?" and i was like, "yeah." i was cool from then on.

then in college, folks wanted to listen to counting crows for some depressing music. i was like, counting crows? fuck that. the cure, baby! robert smith would destroy adam duritz with his stupid "i wanna be bob dylan". go away from me, adam duritz....go away from me.

i'm taking too many antihistimines.

I DON'T GET SICK!

it usually takes about three days after first coming down with impairing symptoms for me to admit getting sick. i see it as a sign of weakness, and given that i have a plethora of those already, i don't like adding fuel to the fire.

it probably stems from constantly being told i wasn't sick in my youth, whether it was by my mom who constantly suspected i was trying to get out of school (and she was right about half the time) or by Mrs. B-stands-for-you-know-what, the sometime school nurse at my elementary school who thought ALL kids ALL the time simply wanted to go home, even if you had a 102 temperature and were vomiting all over the superfriends bedsheets.

anyways, i like to tell people that i don't get sick -- i'm strong in mind. but it's not true. i get sick. i'm sick right now and i'm in a pissy mood because of it. i hate it when allergies get so bad that they screw up the rest of your health and finally devolve into a cold. damn histamines.

hey, friendster finally does its job

some 6 or 7 months after i was invited to join friendster by tessa, i finally made a friend that i didn't already have. friendster, if you ask me, is kinda bunk. i mean the halfway cool people you see on there that make jokes that are actually funny, have good taste in movies or music, are the ones that are usually "just here to help" or "in a relationship". bastards!

anyways, it's cool. though we've different political ideologies, elizabeth and i, i am willing to overlook that fault simply for the fact that my ego has been stroked regarding ye olde blogg. i love it when people write in (and there's not that many of you) and tell me that something i wrote appeals to you so much that you were...um, compelled to write back? anyways. i'm hip.

i'm watching boogie nights right now, and if you haven't seen it, see it. i mean, what other movie is there where "honeytits" is not only a compliment but one of those sweet nothings whispered into your lover's ear before bed. brilliant. that and the "you got the touch" remix.



feeling: weakened, like samson, though my hair is getting longer
thinking of: what's for lunch?
song of the day: friday i'm in love - the cure (in honor of new friend elizabeth)
monday you could hold your head, tuesday, wednesday stay in bed, thursday watch the world instead, it's friday i'm in love

new feature

i've added "stack o' movies" which is the handful or so of movies that are off my shelf and stacked on top of the dvd player...it's what i'm watching these days. check it.

batman

i said the other day that i saw hellboy. and while i thought it was good, it really could have been so much better. it made me think about other comic book movies, specifically, the first two batman movies. they rock. but, like hellboy, the first batman movie is really good...but could have been alot better. batman returns, on the other end, is a near perfect adaptation. it's dark, bleak, oddly comical, and contains alot of plot points from the comic's history.

think about it -- what other comic book movies have as pscyhologically complex villains as the penguin and catwoman? i dissected the scene where selina kyle goes ape shit in her apartment after being tossed out a window. she turns her pink apartment into a dissheveled motley black hole, tosses away her stuffed animals, smashes her dollhouse and mirrors with a frying pan. and turns herself into a fetishist's pinup girl. so basically she destroys:

pink apartment = traditional girly girl abode
stuffed animals = remnants of her girly/childish past, shredding them in a garbage disposal with a wooden spoon (symbols of a woman's place in the kitchen, along with....
frying pan - another symbol of female oppression, which is used to destroy....
mirrors - showing that she's no longer concerned with outward appearances and others' perception of her as a woman
catwoman costume - embracing her sexuality and using it as power, along with strength

and then the penguin -- well he's just a ball of repressed sexuality turning itself into bitter rage and vengeance. he's looking for the love, i guess, expressed in a physical manner, that was denied to him by the parents he never knew. in his final speech to the penguins before sending them off to destroy gotham, he says "the time has come to punish all god's children...why be biased? male and female! hell, the sexes are equal, with their errogenous zones, blown sky high!" does anyone else find it odd that he mention the errogenous zones of children? unless he's looking to cut down their sexual peak before it's prime, to make sure that they cannot experience the same love that he's been denied. oh, and he carries umbrellas...hello? phalli?

batman...ok, he drives around in a big black cock, and dresses in rubber. he struggles to deal with his attraction to selina, AND to catwoman, which to me, signifies an ambivalence toward his role in the bedroom? is he a top or a bottom? i dunno. but he DOES hang out in a cave (undergroud, yes, like the ninja turtles).

anyways, if you ask me, the film is all about embracing sexuality, albeit in not so healthy forms. either way, the movie rocks, and is the undisputed peak of the batman franchise. fine holiday fun!




feeling: a sore throat, dammit!
thinking of: teaching stuff i gotta do today
song of the day: scar tissue - red hot chili peppers
i'll make it to the moon if i have to crawl

commence au crapfest!!

you can tell your day is going to suck a fat one when you wake up and feel like some has been at your throat all night with a cheese grater, that it's 8:30 and you're up, knowing not only that you can, but SHOULD sleep in, as your shift does not end until midnight tonight, you tossed and turned all night with weird dreams that you can't even remember enough to interpret, and your underwear has shifted up into your butt....yep, a crap day is a-comin'. trust me on that.

hellboy suffered from lackluster editing and a truly forgettable score, which stinks, because the story, acting, and stuff was all good.




feeling: crap
thinking of: all my (2) fellow sick bloggin' pals
song of the day: mr. blue sky - ELO
and don't you know, it's a beautiful new day

question answered

i sprayed the bulgari, or BVLGARI as my sister has seemingly corrected me, on my naked arm, and did not like it. it smelled a bit like the cologne, mixed with something funky, like fertilizer. i consulted yvette, the kingpin of the ludicrously fine devil's brigade that comprises the ladies' fragrance and make up department, and she said it "didn't do anything for me" which, in her language, means peeeyooo. so no go on the cologne.

nor on the t-shirt, as i figure i might be able to get a better deal this weekend, what with our storewide sale. the jeans, i got, and they fit pretty good. they are the regular fit, the 505's, not the cool 529's which shrank my butt, but smooshed my scrumpdiddlyumptious, and came in a cooler color. but i figure these jeans with my red pumas are a much better combo, so i don't need new shoes.

i DID get the sunglasses, as they were super cheap! they were on sale for like, half the price i thought they were, plus my extra discount, so i ended up paying like 12 bucks for them! and they're cool, i think. i'm sad for the loss of my other ones, though i'll probably keep them around, as i love them so.

sidenote: i tend to give inanimate objects human traits, and thusly, love them. when i was in first grade, we did this thing where we blew up these white balloons and put notes in them, to be found and read by strangers. when i let mine go, i watched it go up higher and higher, hoping it would be ok. i then retreated to the playground where i cried because i felt sorry for my balloon. what if no one found him, and he ended up just popped in a forest somewhere, no one reading the message? what about when he separated from the rest of the ballons, and what if he got lonely? what if he floated all the way up into space and never saw earth again? it was quite sad, i assure you.

a change in plans

i don't think i'm going to stay in austin as long as i'd planned now. my friend may not be moving as quickly as i'd originally planned, and so he may not need me, which is coo -- cause i can come back and work to make more money to go on another trip to... dum dum dadum! new york!

my sister wants me to come up and do some cool stuff. i have to plan, because of the whole teaching thing, but i'd sure love to go.

but fear not, austin. i'll still come, patronize your bars, your clubs, your houses of ill repute. and of course, see if the bride, does in fact, KILL BILL.



feeling: excited, greater amounts of hope in the last two days than in a long time.
thinking of: bowery poetry club, and making longer lists
song of the day: reno dakota - the magnetic fields
Alas and alack, you just don't call me back, you have just disappeared. It makes me drink beer