The Wee Democracy

questions as to why

i think you find self-deprecation cathartic josh. i think this blog is your public flagellation, your daily ablution, your pained masturbation.

-- the inestimable damon h., Esq.

i've put off writing the recap to rest of my trip to austin for two reasons. one, the last recap took a lot longer than expected, and let's face it - i'm not known for being completely averse to laziness. i find it a virtue, almost, but with this proviso. you've got to be funny about your laziness. if, perchance, you are too lazy to shower, then i might have a bone to pick with your smelliness. but if you're too lazy to cook, and therefore eat cold beans out of a can stabbed open with a wrench or something, then i'll laugh and pat you on the back.

the second reason was that i found it a bit more compelling to explore my motives for this action that i've kept up with for an unprecedented nine months (almost), that is to say, blogging.

what exactly are my motivations for doing this? damon is partly right that this is cathartic. i'm rarely more at ease with myself than when i'm writing. part of the reason i installed that counter was to feel like the sentiments i express are actually being digested by strangers, not just family members and friends, morally, and i believe, legally, obligated to read my stuff.

the flagellation part i'm not sure i agree with. not that i don't engage in the perverse-but-always fun of verbally smacking myself around, but i usually save that for the private moments away from this forum. most of the time when i badmouth myself here or in public, i try to do it in a humorous manner.

now, ablution, i'll admit, i had to look up. it allegedly means a cleansing, or bathing, if you will, and i'm assuming that damon was insinuating that i'm trying to wash away the ickiness of me-ness. to this i say, hey, man. i shower everyday! so don't tell me i stink!

the pained masturbation? now that sentiment, i just don't get. masturbation saves the nation.

i think, though, that this blog is me really making the first steps toward meeting people. yes, i know, it's a very roundabout and somewhat chicken way to go about it, but it's a start. like mark says, i often feel like an alien trying deseperately to be human. this is the closest thing to an open book right now, and i've tried to lay my life down in it since last august (which, tragically enough, was lost in the archival shuffle some months ago). it's an attempt to let people who don't already know me get to know me without going through the process of actually meeting them.

that process i find awkward at first, and i'm not a fan of awkwardness. meeting someone, you never meet the real them. you meet a representative of the person they'd like to be. this, if fate ever deals me the possibility of someone who knows me from my blog first, eliminates the possibility that i can be phoney with you. this is the closest thing to knowing the real me. i am a moody bastard. but at least i make jokes about it.

on the other hand, i have a tremendous singing voice.



feeling: i won't say confident, but a teeeeeeny bit surer that i'm acutally a fairly alright person
thinking of: wishing i had the scratch to hit the beach. waves would do me some good about now. good ones, though, not those scary nightmare ones. stupid nightmares.
song of the day: bicycle tricycle - rosie thomas
bicycle tricycle take me far with my hands on your handlebars