The Wee Democracy

my dreams have been jacked up lately.

i'm serious. i wrote about one of them the other day, but last night....good god. they just came one right after another, and never ended. so weird.

i'm blaming my dreams for the state of disrepair my back has fallen into these last few days. i'm thinking that my dreams have gotten so intense, so much moreso than real life, that my poor back muscles cannot deal with the stress these freakshow dreams are bringing to them, and therefore resort to a state of tension that is detrimental to their health and mine.

i'm reading riqui's blog as i type this. kudos to him for not chiding me on my constant threads regarding body hair or masturbation. but since he's talking about our days at the boys' school we went to together. tis weird that we became friends there, seeing as how i think i met riqui someday waaaaay before that, when i was but a wee josh.

anywho, i figure i'll throw in my two cents about the school. it touts itself as the best school in texas, and i must offer a dissenting point of view. oh sure, it offers what are probably the best resources for a high school in texas, and the level of education itself is astounding. i point to one teacher my senior year for turning me into the colossal writer i be today. but it was also full of shit. see riqui's blog for classic examples. and my own involves the chap who was in charge of community service for our class that year. a pudgy chap he was, probably eating to distract himself from the questions of paternity that surrounded him.

so now then, towards the end of my senior year, procrastinator that i am, i wait until the last minute to do my required community service. i'm turning in my report the morning that it's due and this fat son of a bitch opens the door and starts chiding me for making HIM late in finishing what he needs to do.

now, my school probably prides itself on breeding gentlemanly young boys, and so i kindly responded to his diatribe as follows: "go fuck yourself"

sure enough, i go down the office, where i've been put on the list for derelict CS hours, and i tell him that i turned mine in. he says that he just got a call from the guy, that fat fuck, and said that i was very rude to him. i corrected this elderly chap, explaining that i was not rude until he was rude to me, which changed everything. and it felt good, to walk out of there with impunity. to put that sorry sack of shit where he belonged and not to walk on eggshells because everyone knew who his father was but him.

as you can see, i am not as diplomatic as riqui. but my point is this. that school breeds a level of arrogance in its students that is completely unacceptable, and if i had it to do over again, i'd tell alot more people to take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.



feeling: a slight twinge of bitterness, mixed with a desire for a cookie
thinking of: fatty's girlie partner
song of the day: oh yoko - john lennon

i bought a suit.

ok, i didn't buy the suit, my mommy did, but i helped pick it out. and when i say, i helped pick it out, i mean i was helped by the nice man from Nordstrom, and again, my mom. it's a pimp suit too. as riqui says, a suit that says "feel the sting of my pimp hand, bitch!". it says that. but i'm more like a corporate pimp. like keith david's character from Requiem for a Dream. maid marion...welcome...hehe

my uncle rick is coming by later today, to instruct me on the fine art of business talk. yes, we will discuss things such as whether or not i should order a drink, salary negotiations (if that's even appropriate) who knows what else. but he's a reservoir of information. a veritable stack of knowledge and intellect. i got a lot of respect for him.

much like all the other ricks or riquis i know. rickflo is a funny guy, so that's good for entertainment's sake. rick V, too. he entertains me to no end. plus, he's very useful for all sorts of advice and words of wisdom. he's also maybe the most patient person i've ever met, and i've met some patient ass people. and uncle rick, well, i've already said all there is to say about him. he is the one who pushed us for buying a suit, as opposed to a blazer pant combo, which was a bit too remeniscent of my days at St. Mark's. rick v knows what i'm talking about.

anywho, i'm being pressured to get off the computer, so i shall oblige. ciao



feeling: a rare burst of something that may only be described as a modicum of confidence
thinking of: shaving, and popping a nasty whitehead (and riqui's no doubt scowl of disapproval at the level of information i share)
song of the day: question - the old 97's

so i have a cubby hole now.

actually, since i've been watching lord of the rings lately, i call it my hobbit hole, since most of my time is spent in the reclined position. it's quite comfortable, and i've finally got my tv and dvd player quite permanently arranged. thing is, seeing as how it's so quiet and peaceful in my hobbit hole, my maternal fixture has quickly usurped it.

if anyone in cedar rapids is reading this - that's cedar rapids iowa, and would like to hang out w/ me next week (and by hang out, i mean drink heavily), email me mr_in_between@hotmail.com, and include the subject line blog invite! it'll be fun, i assure you.

i'm wondering how dorky i am for having the lord of the rings movies, and i'm guessing, not too dorky. i mean, they do smoke weed in those movies. gandalf's a straightup dope fiend. i'm serious. and like the teenage mutant ninja turtles are code for latent - and i mean LATENT homosexual undertones (raphael is maybe the only straight one, and you KNOW splinter likes the little boys asses - the sick bastard) i'm thinking tolkien probably puffed on the gonja pretty regularly.


feeling: uncomfortable
thinking of: my pee pee
song of the day: 'charles in charge' theme song

it doesn't pay to try - all the smart boys know why.

so, i got my hotel reservations in the rapids today. it seems like they're really rolling out the red carpet for little old me. i'm going to sleep (read: masturbate heavily) in a kingsize bed!! isn't that cool?

riqui will probably kick me off his link list for that comment and the constant remarks about shaving my back, but you know what? you as my reading public have a right to know what's going on in my life. dammit!!

so i was watching the OC last night on fox - and i realized a few things. A) i need a girlfriend B) i need cable and C) evidently, in TV and movies convention, slicked back hair on a man is immediate signification that that man is an asshole. just watch, you'll see.



feeling: listless
thinking of: a king size bed, and s'mores
song of the day: not yet dark - bob dylan

yes! it's on!!

tuesday next week, ladies and gents, i'll be flying into o'hare, then to cedar rapids, and then to the ruffalo to make my professional debut!!

i was thinking of some other news to write here, but i'm drawing a blank. i'm badass. there.


feeling: excited
thinking of: kristine kahanek
song of the day: complicated - avril lavigne :)

i had a dream.

i hate dreams. and not in that i dread them, or even that they're scary, though sometimes, they are. quite so, in fact. more often than not, though, i have good ones, and i hate waking up. today, when i awoke, and saw the ceiling of the living room (i sleep on the couch) i actually whisper-screamed 'nooo!'. it's not bloody fair!

i dreamed that i was at some old high school function, whereabouts they had random girls ready to marry. lucky me, i landed a very pretty one, with short dirty blonde hair. her name is fading in my head, but i want to say it was like, jeri or amy, or something like that. anyways, party was over, and we were about to leave. i went to the men's room to wash up and encountered one of my high school enemies there -- one that i always suspected was a bit on the gay side. anywho, he said something, and i bumped him a little, then i went to the other side of the bathroom (like there was a wall down the middle -- like loews cityplace downtown) i was washing my hands, and this guy comes at me with a knitting needle (even his weapon against me is gay). he tries to stab me in the chest, but he sucks at it, and it ends up just bruising me, and the needle goes flying. this old women in the bathroom, who is, i guess, a chaparone, tells us to go downstairs and wait for the dude that always handed out detention, we'll call him Mr. W.

anywho, i go to tell my new-wife that i've got to take care of something and to wait for me. so i go to wait for him downstairs, and i bump into dennis franz who is a janitor at the school. i ask him if he would have screamed out the obscenities like i did, had someone tried to murder him. he agreed that i was in the right, and so i went back to mr. w's office to wait.

i hear from his office "it's our car", and this enemy, i peek in, has transformed from one whom i suspected was gay, to one that was just an asshole. my arch enemy. he tosses his keys to mr. w. and walks out. mr. w. calls me in and says, "your car". then he tosses me the keys. he says "i figure you've been through enough in the past six years that you deserve this" and he gives me my enemy's prized car. badass, right?

so i laugh maniacally, cause it's late, and i've been drinking, and scream and yell and hop down the stairs to the ballroom, where i go to find my bride. i have to look around for her, cause the joint is still hoppin' and there are too many peoples around. finally, i just stand in the middle of the room and yell out her name. people point to her, and i see her raising her hands, waving them in the air.

so i gather her up, and we go out to the parking lot, where i try to explain to her what took me so long, though i get the impression she don't care, she's just tired and pissed. it's ok, though, cause i know that when i truly explain it, she'll be as happy as me. it is at this point that i notice she's changed into a jogging suit of sorts, and has a nice big juicy butt. yummy.

so we locate the car withe the remote thingie, and as we're getting in, this little girl says that's my car! and i'm just waaaaaaaiting for this asshole to come around and tell me not to take his car, but it ends up being just some random little girl and her father, thinking we were in their car.

so we get into the car, and i say, i haven't driven in four years, so this may get a little bumpy. and then i woke up.

see? see? justice eludes me!! son of a bitch!



feeling: pissed off
thinking of: why i can never go back to sleep when i have good dreams, but when i have nightmares, i can't sleep again fast enough
song of the day: you can't put your arms around a memory - johnny thunders

well, it's saturday, boys and girls.

i don't know what's on the docket for the day, but i need to do some clothes shopping before i go to Iowa. i have to be snappy for these Ruffalo types. i have to look sharp.

i'm tired of living here, mainly because there's no time when people just leave me alone. and that's one of those things that i want on a daily basis - to be left alone. i mean, people will ask me what i want, and most of the time i want to say "i just wanna be left alone". and i don't mean all the time. i don't think anyone wants to be left alone all the time. but if i could have a couple of hours every day where i didn't have to be vigilent of someone around me, or considerate, and i could just be my normal nudist self, that would be awesome. is that too much to ask? i think not.

and, to date, there has not been one day since i left austin where i woke up of my own accord, or under my own ability. i mean, not one. THAT in particular is what i have in mind, when i say, leave me alone. you know? damn.

i talked to marcus G, last night, and let me tell you, that was fun. i miss him. he's a cool guy, ladies and gents, and i wished we could have gotten together to get smashed completely and see 'freddy vs. jason'. he likes those slasher movies, and i like booze, so it would have worked out magically. but goddammit, if i couldn't remember his GD cell phone number when i was in austin.

i have fleas, i think.



feeling: itchy
thinking of: the many ways that i'm a fuck up
song of the day: everybody knows this is nowhere - neil young

i think i may have a job.

or at least, i'm going to iowa to interview for one. i had that telephone thingie today, with that lady from the RC. she was really nice, and cool, and said that she hoped things work out for me there because she thinks it'd be a good match. so they're gonna fly me up there labor dayish weekend and interview me face to face and take me out to dinner. i'm stoked, but at the same time, nervous, cause they're gonna be watching me, how i eat....and if you've seen me eat. it's not pretty. but, if nothing else, i'll get to see iowa. and the womens there.

this weekend, though, i'm going to try to relax and do some mental preparation for the journey. my legs hurt.



feeling: tired
thinking of: tv ad jingles
song of the day: guitar man - bread

Well, i've done it now.

not really. i finished and emailed my script and pre-call samples to the lady at the Ruffalo, and i'm hoping she thinks i'm the shit. i could totally do with a job right about now. i've got a pretty serious drug habit to maintain. not to mention the porn, my god, the porn. wish me luck.

the smeezy is making the journey to austin this weekend, and i'm hoping that we'll be able to do some serious hanging, drinking and groping of those renowned Dallas strippers.

in a rather painless excursion last night, i ventured to the tower records on oak lawn to buy leah (my sister) the explosions in the sky CD (see my links list), and then to northpark to have some overrated PF chang's. they were too crowded and i ended up blowing my diet at sbarro's, with pizza that was, to say the least, sub par.

i'm hearing from the lady at the Ruff tomorrow, and i'm hoping all goes well. hope with me, children. hope with me.



feeling: sweaty
thinking of: nova from planet of the apes
song of the day: stuck in the middle with you - stealer's wheel

I heap more apologies upon my previous ones.

my mommy has this paranoia thing going on where she won't allow me to do any real surfing on her computer, and needless to say, blogging falls under this unsafe category. tragically, it's been nearly 7 days, a full week since my last update, and fear as though i may have scared my loyal follower(s) into thinking i may have actually gone ahead with my plans for suicide - nothing could be further from the truth. ok, well several things could be further from the truth, but i didn't do it. so there.

i've been working on preparing some samples of writing for the RuffaloCODY, who has expressed a more than passing interest in recruiting a hot young graduate such as myself. bad thing though is that i'd have to move to Iowa. not that i have anything against Iowa. i don't imagine it could be much more boring than dallas, but hey, who knows. i also lack the start up cash it takes to pick up and go. but a man can dream, can he not?

i need to buy my sister a b-day present.



feeling: gassy
thinking of: iowa, and girls
song of the day: the wind - cat stevens

apologies to my avid readers and amateur fans. i disconnected my computer early yesterday and did not have time to post a new entry before i left.

yes, i am in dallas, and yes, boredom and depression have quickly set in. i feel like an unwanted houseguest in this joint. my mom's talking about buying a house in austin, which would be tight at night, fools. but i'd still need a job, which is still hard as bejeebus to find in A-town.

i got to hang out w/ smeezy last night and he was the last person i said goodbye to. it was heartfelt and a sad sight to pull away from the Rio. but alas, change is inevitable, and not always to our planning. we just have to make do with what we can make do with. enough of this motivational phony baloney sentiment.

maybe going to the movies tonight. maybe

suicide cancelled - i am a big wuss.



feeling: sad
thinking of: my old home at F156
song of the day: if you're feeling sinister - belle and sebastian

less than 48 hours away now

the packing has begun in earnest, all my cd's and dvd's are packed up, and if you know me at all, you know that in itself is an achievment. i guess finishing the living room and getting my trunk out are next. again, if you know me, you know that it's no easy task that lies ahead of me.

ok, it is easy, it's just a pain in the ass.

had dinner with dana last night. i'll see her again tonight, cause she's coming to pick up my coffee table, and say goodbye.

hopefully, i'll be able to see casey before i go. jess, too, and all the other ones that got away. they didn't really get away so much as i never even tried to catch them, or they were already caught. you know, that old song.

it's amazing, the passage of time, when you think about it. why four hours at work drag on like an endless conversation with an old person, and your ten last days in your apartment zip by with you hardly noticing.

i was thinking earlier this morning about my first day of freshman orientation in high school. the guy got up there and explained how things were gonna be different, and yada yada yada, all that bullshit. but he said one thing that stuck in my head. he said, "this is where you're going to spend the next four years of your life". and when he said it, i thought, damn, that sounds like a prison sentence. four years. that was eight years ago. redonkulous. it seems like nothing. and yes, i'm quite aware of how cliche and unoriginal these observations are, but i don't care. it still makes me sad.

i've come to the conclusion that time travel will never be available as an option in my lifetime, for if it were, i would have visited myself by now.

days to suicide: 2


feeling: ovewhelmed
thinking of: austin
song of the day: fairest of the seasons - nico

I am less than 72 hours away from Dallas. Godfuckingdammit.

i surpassed my goal at work, so much so that instead of just revelling in it, i actually set my goal five grand higher. it's cool, though, i'm only like 1500 away from it. i can do it, bros and girls.

i still need to pack, alot of shit, but i'm without duct tape, and i only have two boxes. i need to get more of both.

i'm going to miss sex and the city, but it was a good episode to end my time with it on. project greenlight, too. i was laughing so goddamn hard when their test screening bombed. i knew they had a piece of shit on their hands, but no one listened to me.

it's still all about wednesday.

days to suicide: 3



feeling: hungry
thinking of: running errands
song of the day: someone else's song - wilco

i started really making packing moves last night

i hate folding clothes, yet that's all i did last night, for like an hour and a half, folding dirty clothes so they would pack more neatly and efficiently. that's me, a paradigm of efficiency.

rick has made reference to me in his blog, and says that he'll link-ify me if i cut out the speech about shaving my back. tragically, i cannot do that, as every time i see it, i want to shave it. so it's a big part of my life.

i like the word 'pisser' - like the boston folks say it, you're a real pisser. it's awesome. also, at work yesterday, the word 'dick' had me in hysterics.

all i had to eat yesterday was pizza - it was badass. unhealthy, but badass

it's all about wednesday.

days to suicide: 4



feeling: moderately content
thinking of: folding more clothes, and katie
song of the day: third planet - modest mouse

sadness snakes its way into me today.

i guess because this is the last real weekend i'll spend in austin. and because i'm finding all these new people that i want to hang out with. 4 years go by and what do i have to show for it? i feel like i'm just now starting to become somebody that i actually like.

and i don't want to paint the fuckin house when i get home. i did construction one summer and it blew, i'm not looking to get even remotely back into that.

mark asked me last night if there was anything at all that i could look forward to in dallas, and about the only thing that we could come up with was that some of the indie movies that we want to see will be out there first, and not in austin for some time afterwards. but still - who am i gonna see them with. not lil smeezy. oh well.

days to suicide: 5



feeling: crappy
thinking of: tom waits
song of the day: greet death - explosions in the sky

i'm hungry

and i'm also too lazy to do any cooking. i don't like standing by the stove for like 10 minutes while shit prepares. it gets too hot, and anyone who knows me knows that i don't do well in heat, and i avoid it like the plague. i called my mom yesterday - that was nice and stressful. i have no idea what the future holds for me, but i figure i'll worry about that when the time comes. chew that food when i have to.

wednesday is the last day here in a-town. 5 days from now. scary business, mang.

ok, so basically HBO sucks, except for its original programming. anyone who's not already a fan of the sopranos, or six feet under, or sex and the city, or curb your enthusiasm, or da ali g show, i highly recommend these programs. they are so choice. good music, too.

i need to shave my back. it's like a brazilian jungle back there. goddamn hormones.



feeling: hungry
thinking of: porn
song of the day: black books - nils lofgren

Yes yes, josh joins the current trend of individuality. whoopee

So, my back hurts this afternoon. Which makes this afternoon more or less no different than every other afternoon lately. I got two form letters in the mail today telling me I didn't get some job I applied for. I more or less assumed that I didn't get them, cause i hadn't heard back in, like, two weeks. A phone call would have been nice, but then again, awkward too, and given my own proclivity towards avoiding awkwardness at all costs, i understand. still blows though.

the final day in austin is fast approaching and the herculean task of packing still lies before me, probably causing this back ache as we speak. sonofabitchin' stress.

I'm tired of cooking every meal. i'm probably gonna have tuna fish for lunch and tasty melba toast crackers. yummy, right?

laziness has set in and the novelty has worn off, so i'll sign off with a technique borrowed from the man, himself. the great ricv56.



feeling: stressed
thinking of: lunch, and how the hell i'm gonna get back to austin
song of the day: turtle blues - janis joplin