The Wee Democracy

i'm sorry for my consistent absence the last few weeks. i'm on a hiatus, i guess.



feeling: confused
thinking of: trains
song for the hiatus: the scientist - coldplay
no particular lyric....it's just appropriately sad

my mind works fast

and i mean REAL fast. you'd be surprised, really. you know how some women resent guys mentally undressing them when they see them? i think the idea is to imagine what the woman in question would look like naked. well, i'm more of a guy that mentally enters into a relationship with the woman in question.

this all happens in nanoseconds sometimes. other times, i like to play with the the idea of a relationship for a few days, before i've sacked up enough to go talk to this person for the purposes of going out on a date. example --

last fall (more than a year ago, i guess), i met a girl that i really dug. we'd talked. a few days after we talked for the first time, i found out she had a boyfriend and that dashed my hopes pretty quickly. but, as i said before, you'd be surprised at just how quickly and high, i might add, that my hopes had grown.

oh hell, i don't know what i'm talking about anymore.



feeling: ok, let's just get it out there - depressed
thinking of: the old days, on the floor of my apartment
song of the day: lion's mane - iron and wine
So I'll clear the road, the gravel
And the thorn bush in your path
That burns a scented oil
That I'll drip into your bath
The water's there to warm you
And the earth is warmer when
You laugh

i return

i know i haven't blogged in a while. for one thing, i was in austin friday saturday and sunday. i went to a friend's graduation, to dinner, to a bar, to another bar. then the next night, i went to my cousin's house to watch football, to a party, a bar, a titty bar and a hamburger joint. it really was quite a busy weekend.

really, though, it was quite bittersweet. it made me realize how much i missed austin, and how much time i wasted while i lived there. granted, i couldn't even legally have the same kind of fun i have now for the first two and a half years i spent there in A-town, but still. there were other things i could have done that would have been fun. dating more, for instance.

today i started at foley's. i won't make much money, but at least i'll make something. and if it holds up, i'll even have enough money to get a cell phone. i know i've harped on the whole cell phone thing for a while now, and i'm sure you think my immediate goals in life are kinda stupid, but i see it like this. if i get a cell phone, i've got a number where people can reach me...exclusively. it's like a small fortress of solitude - like superman. it's an inroad to independence. i want that.

and i saw jacque, my old friend, while i was in austin. i'm trying to think of the things she made me feel. i used to have a thing about her. i wouldn't say it was love, or even like. i'll tell you this though. i was in love with the idea of her. she seemed to me to be the thing i wanted. she was (and is, mind you) very pretty, but in a muted elegant way. she's smart, a hard worker. she was loyal and dedicated to her then boyfriend, and i'm sure to her current one. she's friendly, and has a way of existing in a moment as if she only exists for you, to be your friend and make you feel cared about. she stood for the ideal.

and despite the fact that i saw her as a little high maintenance, her boyfriend did not deserve her. which is not to impugn his self worth, or even to say he was a bad person. a little inconsiderate sometimes, but more or less a good friend. she was good, and he was good, they were just good in different ways, and in spite of the fact that they got along quite well, for almost two years, i never saw them as having real go-the-distance potential.

none of this is meant to suggest that i was the better man for her, or, hell, even A man for her. i wasn't, i'm not, and i probably will never be. and it's ok with me, as i don't have a particularly vested interest in being that man. so what's the point of all this?

who cares about jacque, or what she stood for, or foley's or cell phones, or austin? well, i do. i'm tired of being who i am. i used to imagine the person i would be in the future. i'm ready to be that person now. wish me luck



feeling: stronger
thinking of: moving....eventually
song of the day: passenger seat - death cab for cutie

when you feel embarassed, i'll be your pride. when you need directions, i'll be your guide.

i work

maybe not in the traditional sense of the word. that is to say, not reporting to a place to exchange good or services for a paycheck. but i write. sometimes.

but that all changes today. today i took a seasonal job at a shitty wage at a local department store. oh, i'm sure they're in other states, but i'd rather say local department store, because, frankly, it makes the job sound more depressing, and i find that humorous.

i've had a series of un-glamorous jobs. i've never made more than 10 bucks an hour, even as a waiter, and i'm certainly not making near that much money now. however, i do get a fat discount, and let's face it - i don't like work.

i've done:
waiter at a shitty mexican restaurant
bakery in my dorm
construction
cafeteria in my dorm
resident assistant (the most degrading and least profitable job ever)
returned to cafeteria for a total of two weeks
office gopher/bitch
telemarketer
department store

it's kinda funny. i mean, considering i DO have a degree and i am fairly intelligent. you'd think i'd have some kind of office job, or perhaps something in journalism. but no. you'd figure wrong. i kinda like it though. i get to laugh about it. and, hey, it's money. i'm not against that.

this is not a communist country.



feeling: achey - my back especially. i think i traded one monkey for a bigger one. bastard
thinking of: how this job will look on my resume
song of the day: ohio - damien jurado

i've gotten to know her, to live with, to love her, it's hard to see her leave. she belongs to her mother and the state of ohio. i wish she belonged to me.