The Wee Democracy

i return

i know i haven't blogged in a while. for one thing, i was in austin friday saturday and sunday. i went to a friend's graduation, to dinner, to a bar, to another bar. then the next night, i went to my cousin's house to watch football, to a party, a bar, a titty bar and a hamburger joint. it really was quite a busy weekend.

really, though, it was quite bittersweet. it made me realize how much i missed austin, and how much time i wasted while i lived there. granted, i couldn't even legally have the same kind of fun i have now for the first two and a half years i spent there in A-town, but still. there were other things i could have done that would have been fun. dating more, for instance.

today i started at foley's. i won't make much money, but at least i'll make something. and if it holds up, i'll even have enough money to get a cell phone. i know i've harped on the whole cell phone thing for a while now, and i'm sure you think my immediate goals in life are kinda stupid, but i see it like this. if i get a cell phone, i've got a number where people can reach me...exclusively. it's like a small fortress of solitude - like superman. it's an inroad to independence. i want that.

and i saw jacque, my old friend, while i was in austin. i'm trying to think of the things she made me feel. i used to have a thing about her. i wouldn't say it was love, or even like. i'll tell you this though. i was in love with the idea of her. she seemed to me to be the thing i wanted. she was (and is, mind you) very pretty, but in a muted elegant way. she's smart, a hard worker. she was loyal and dedicated to her then boyfriend, and i'm sure to her current one. she's friendly, and has a way of existing in a moment as if she only exists for you, to be your friend and make you feel cared about. she stood for the ideal.

and despite the fact that i saw her as a little high maintenance, her boyfriend did not deserve her. which is not to impugn his self worth, or even to say he was a bad person. a little inconsiderate sometimes, but more or less a good friend. she was good, and he was good, they were just good in different ways, and in spite of the fact that they got along quite well, for almost two years, i never saw them as having real go-the-distance potential.

none of this is meant to suggest that i was the better man for her, or, hell, even A man for her. i wasn't, i'm not, and i probably will never be. and it's ok with me, as i don't have a particularly vested interest in being that man. so what's the point of all this?

who cares about jacque, or what she stood for, or foley's or cell phones, or austin? well, i do. i'm tired of being who i am. i used to imagine the person i would be in the future. i'm ready to be that person now. wish me luck



feeling: stronger
thinking of: moving....eventually
song of the day: passenger seat - death cab for cutie

when you feel embarassed, i'll be your pride. when you need directions, i'll be your guide.