like an angry old man, shaking a fist at the sky...

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

The Return

when last you heard from me, kiddies, i was on the verge of "breaking up" so to speak with M. i use the quotations, because you can't break up with someone you weren't in a real relationship with. but we were seeing each other, and then we were not. which is not to say that i didn't run the mini-gamut of emotions all associated with such a parting, from mild sadness to a modicum of denial to a twinge of acceptance and a bit of anger. ok, maybe more than a bit. ok, not even maybe.

but, all that kinda got put aside right around the christmas days (24th, 25th, 26th of december). it's hard to think about something like that when you're flooding with new and badass additions to your movie collection (alien, third man, for a few dollars more, etc.) and your tv season collection floweth over (the office, anyone? some sex and the city to tide you over? ali g, maybe?) yes, you spend a night in a bar with mark smoot, and your time is sure to get better when you've got some 'mo in a weezer t-shirt to despise, and stories to tell for weeks, nay, months to come.

and then, i went and i got myself a new job. no more foley's for me. not since last sunday. oh sure, i'm only two days into this new gig, but i've probably made more in those two days then i would have driving myself up the fucking walls at the store. but i'm making almost twice what i was making there, and hold the phone....look out...he's got insurance!

that's right, ladies. marry me, and you'll be covered.

and you know what....sitting here, writing this i realized something.

i don't want to write anymore. this blog has been cathartic when things were tough, when the lakes were dry, and the world seemed to be full of black jokes and dark laughs. but something's been changing in me. and i don't want to do this anymore.

so i may come back in a few weeks, or i may just pick things up in a new blog (don't forget the other address) but for right now, i'm gonna let this thing go for a while.

it's been fun, and i've met a few really cool people, but it's hard to judge stuff and assess the situation when it's still so much in the dark. but at least there's something comforting in that.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

i'll be back...

Thursday, December 23, 2004

i don't need this

christmas is a stressful time as it is. you could have your dream job, be completely open and honest and comfortable with your family, have a deep meaningful relationship with a person you really care about, and it would still be a period of running around like a chicken sans head. but, add to it a job you hate every single millisecond of, trying to keep your private life private in the face of someone who's nosy and being prodded on by another person keen on keeping the focus of attention off their personal life, be in the midst of a relationship that seriously needs redefining, and then have to deal with the arrival, or rather the annunciation of a person whom you barely know but threatens to tear down that sandcastle you've come to name "new josh".

you see, from the beginning, M and i had laid down the terms. friends with benefits, no committment, keep our options open. and from the beginning, embracing the new josh, i thought, this is good....i can handle this. but, you see, things were on my terms. it's easy to say no committment, when you're more or less exclusive, not by choice, but by a lack of options. decisions are made for you, and you're free to bask in the knowledge that you could do whatever you wanted, if you wanted it. then this guy shows up and she wants to start exercising that whole open option proviso.

but, old josh seems to leave some remnants behind. new josh may be nonchalant about most things, but i'm really still a one woman kind of guy. i mean, if i were just going out on dates or talking on the phone with a few girls, i could handle that. but when i start spending the night with the girl, it gets a little more serious (not full blown relationship serious) but serious enough that i'm not comfortable with her hanging out (not in a 'just friends' manner) with other guys. especially not this guy. fuck.

it's really irritating, because i don't like being that guy. i don't like being jealous or territorial. i don't like having to lay all my cards out on the table so soon.

ugh. like i said. i don't need this right now. its too much.

Friday, December 17, 2004


and the moment will come, when composure returns
put a face on the world, turn your back to the wall
and you walk twenty yards with your head in the air
down the liberty hill where the fashion brigade
looks with curious eyes on your raggedy way
and for once in your life, you've got nothing to say
and could this be the time when somebody will come
to say "look at yourself, you're not much use to anyone"

take a walk in the park, take a valium pill
read the letter you got from the memory girl
but it takes more than this to make sense of the day
yeah, it takes more than milk to get rid of the taste
and you trusted to this, and you trusted to that
when you saw it all come, it was waving the flag
of the united states of calamity, hey
after all that you've done, boy, i know you're going to pay

in the morning you come to the ladies salon
to get all fitted out for the paperback throne
but the people are living far away from the place
where you wanted to help, you're a bit of a waste
and the puzzle will last till somebody will say
"there's a lot to be done while your head is still young"
if you put down your pen, leave the worries behind
then the morning will come, and the memory will shine

now the trouble is over, everybody got paid
everybody is happy, they are glad that they came
and you go to the place where you finally found
you can look at yourself, sleep the clock around

sleep the clock around

Thursday, December 16, 2004

a few things to ponder

i find myself once again imploring you gentle souls to accept my apologies for my unexcused absence from the forum of all that is josh. the latent tardiness in posting, coupled with a general nonchalance for that very thing is categorically bad, and so i'm sorry. sorta. i've had some good reasons, though, and we'll leave it at that.

but i have thought alot of things lately, and i figure i'll just throw them out there, bullet style and let you sift through what you like, and discard what you don't.

i found my copy of "the dark knight returns" and have been re-reading it on the way to and fro work. it is, i must say, badass and if you've never read frank miller's stuff, his batman books are without peer.

the boy with the arab strap is a great album, and the second track, sleep the clock around, was the first song they played at the concert in austin some three years ago. but i remember them opening with that tune like it was yesterday, and it is good.

fox, while on the verge of bringing back 24 and meeting all my hopes for the current season of the OC, has drawn my ire once again with their contraversial new adoption related reality show.

it started raining again.

there is, according to rumor, going to be alcohol at the family christmas gathering this year. if i have my way, i'm making the margaritas (we are hispanic, after all) and everyone is leaving the gig with a little more hair on their ass.

riqui's not coming for xmas or new years, which sucks, as much as anything can suck.

leah, however, is coming for a tad longer than her usual four maybe five days. that ought to be...interesting.

blade II is way better than blade trinity. so just rent the deuce, and you'll be good.

you should all buy me presents.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

all i can say is that my life is pretty plain

writing is getting terribly hard these days. it might be time for a hiatus. i'll let y'all know.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

weird dreams

in the past year or so, my dreams have gotten more bizarre. they're weird for sure, but more than that, they seem to go on forever. like...all night long dreams that can encompass, believably, a period of time ranging from 2 to 7 days. i had a dream a while back that spanned the day before a murder, the day of the murder, the days of recovery for me, the funeral and the grief afterward. that one was intense. this one was just weird.

for instance #2, it's fading now but last night i dreamed that i, and a combination of college friends and people i never hung around with in high school were somehow tricked into joining a cult of sorts.

i can't remember the details, but i remember that beforehand i'd:

- driven a car (a rarity for the real me)
- driven a street luge (which was particularly hard and made me sweat like a real man, thus had me checking out a certain sexy man in the mirror)
- was forced to break into my old house to try to shower after the luging
- was accosted and forced into a short bus by the cult people, who evidently border on cultnappers, as they not only force you to go with them, but enforce rules which the penalties for breaking range from being asked to leave the bus, or being burned at the stake, a rather tough as nails stance for these guys.

the weirdest part of the dream was the place that drugs took. they gave everyone, old and new members a blue and white pill to take, that started with an L, and was some kind of mood alteration job, like soma in 'brave new world'. you had to take it -- they'd watch you put it in your mouth. but, smart guy that i am, i just stashed in the roof of my grill and pocketed it later, only to be pissed that the saliva had opened one end and betrayed me, releasing the medicine into my system.

a guy was forcibly removed from the bus to be taken back to the camp and burned. he looked puerto rican. i didn't know him.

jeremy, this kid from high school i didn't hang with, broke out a yellow plastic slide box with weed so fresh, it was actually just moist stacked leaves. "i don't have any papers," i lamented. i find that odd, given that the death penalty was enforced in this place, and my main concern was that i didn't have a way to get high. priorities, i guess. "use Red", he says, which is not the name of my old pipe, but was in the dream.

then some hot blond climbed on my lap and started making out with me. aha! the real effects of the blue and white pill are revealed!! genius!

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