The Wee Democracy

i don't need this

christmas is a stressful time as it is. you could have your dream job, be completely open and honest and comfortable with your family, have a deep meaningful relationship with a person you really care about, and it would still be a period of running around like a chicken sans head. but, add to it a job you hate every single millisecond of, trying to keep your private life private in the face of someone who's nosy and being prodded on by another person keen on keeping the focus of attention off their personal life, be in the midst of a relationship that seriously needs redefining, and then have to deal with the arrival, or rather the annunciation of a person whom you barely know but threatens to tear down that sandcastle you've come to name "new josh".

you see, from the beginning, M and i had laid down the terms. friends with benefits, no committment, keep our options open. and from the beginning, embracing the new josh, i thought, this is good....i can handle this. but, you see, things were on my terms. it's easy to say no committment, when you're more or less exclusive, not by choice, but by a lack of options. decisions are made for you, and you're free to bask in the knowledge that you could do whatever you wanted, if you wanted it. then this guy shows up and she wants to start exercising that whole open option proviso.

but, old josh seems to leave some remnants behind. new josh may be nonchalant about most things, but i'm really still a one woman kind of guy. i mean, if i were just going out on dates or talking on the phone with a few girls, i could handle that. but when i start spending the night with the girl, it gets a little more serious (not full blown relationship serious) but serious enough that i'm not comfortable with her hanging out (not in a 'just friends' manner) with other guys. especially not this guy. fuck.

it's really irritating, because i don't like being that guy. i don't like being jealous or territorial. i don't like having to lay all my cards out on the table so soon.

ugh. like i said. i don't need this right now. its too much.