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like an angry old man, shaking a fist at the sky...

Monday, November 15, 2004

not broken, just out of shape

i touched on this a bit when i wrote about austin last week. i've said it before, and i'll say it again, i love irish girls. like alot. beyond all healthy reason. so with that in mind, you'd think that spending a large portion of that weekend in the company of a tall very attractive irish girl, i'd be in hog heaven. but i was not. which is not to say that michelle is not a really badass person. she is. really, she's about as close to my ideal as i've met, save the lack of accent. accents trump everything. but, my usual pattern was most assuredly broken.

wait, let me start earlier.

a couple of years ago, i was in an english class, 20th century short fiction. on the first day of class, i was sitting in my desk fidgeting and waiting to see if i knew anyone who walked in the door. i've seen girls before that i immediately thought were cute. they'd come in, and i'd think, "alright....alright." when sara walked into that class, i felt like a cartoon character, who's jaw literally drops to the floor with that cash register sound effect. this girl was beautiful. i knew from the get go that i'd have to break out of my shell and talk to her as soon as i had an in. trouble was finding an in.

eventually i had one, and we got to talking and i asked her if she'd like to study/work on a paper together. she said yes, and gave me her home phone AND cell phone. now this had me high as a kite. i ran into damon a few minutes later and he said "motherfucker, you look like you just shot up."

so we had lunch; she ordered a philly cheesesteak which i thought was too cool for school. i mean, she was gorgeous, and eating the most unhealthy pile of slop i'd ever seen outside of a mexican restaurant (that is not a racial slur, that is a commentary on the unhealthiness of chorizo con huevos). i knew she was a keeper.

we had dinner. it was nice, but i was nervous as all hell. she wasn't wearing her glasses, but instead of saying, you look beautiful (which she did), i said, you look different. smooth, i know.

this next bit is a story that i will never forget, nor forigve myself for, in all my years. at the end of dinner, we were deciding what to do next, and she'd said that she had wanted to work on her dissertation for a little bit, but then maybe we could go back out. did i want to come back to her place?

now, in all fairness, i was trying to be considerate. i did not think that it was code for makeout or something even more fun, parchesi, but i said, "no....if i come back to your place, i'll just be distracting you, and you won't get any work done." if i could, i'd kick my own ass. needless to say, she failed to return my phone calls after that night.

the point of the story was not to illustrate that i'm a dating moron, though that happens to be a nasty side effect of the tale, but rather, that i can become so enraptured by a girl that all common sense and knowledge is bypassed in the fear of doing something wrong, and in the end, you do something....just rigoddamdiculously stupid.

fast forward to two weeks ago, and i'm playing it pretty cool, i think with michelle, which is easy, considering the only thing going through my head is "why am i not nervous? why am i thinking "friend" and not "ooh lawdy". this, while confusing, is totally refreshing. it's nice to be around a girl i think is awesome, and not feel some longing or desire or anything but easiness.

officer naughty, truth be told, i didn't even want to call, and when the phone calls went, predictably, nowhere, i felt a relief wash over me, like "whew....dodged a bullet!!" i mean, come on, do you really see a future between me and random bar girl?

i have a psuedo date tomorrow. the girl with the knee high boots from work, M, we'll call her for now. we've been talking for a few months now, and i feel some attraction, but nothing akin to the glazed over look sara gave me that would remind the objective viewer of a post-lobotomy patient.

so i'm left to ponder the future. i was talking to michelle earlier today and i said "my heart's broken. not in that romantic way where some girl i really love more than life itself as rejected me in favor of jude law, but more like....i'm not getting very excited about anyone these days. its all very different."

"its not broken," she said. "just out of shape."

i guess she's right. i mean, the fucker used to leap like a gazelle at the slightest of nods. now, shit....he's too lazy to get his fat ass out of bed.

"i suppose....but, it's alright, i think. i mean, i'm not sure it's something i want to fix. it allows me to not give a shit, which allows me to bypass insecurity, thus rendering me more confident, and overall, more handsome."

"yes....yes!"

"so the trick to getting attention is to act like you don't care"

"yeah!"

....that's kinda fucked up.
Posted by: Josh / 8:58 AM
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