The Wee Democracy

el grande dos-cuatro

it was ten years ago that i found myself spending my birthday in a humid nadatorium, faking enthusiasm for my sister's swimming performance. i don't know how long she'd been on the team by that point, a year, maybe two, but to look back on it, it surprises me that leah was on any organized team of any sort. if you'd said to me, leah swims, but for exercise, that i would find completely believable, but to say leah competes on a team? nah. i don't buy it.

really, i spent most of that day trying to act mature and patient, as my dad and i tooled around north dallas, eating at little diners, hitting up eckerds for cigarettes and batteries, me pretending not to notice the 5000 pound elephant in the room. "oh, it's my birthday? why i'd completely forgotten! yes, i'm just that humble!" i knew it, and, let's face it, what 14 year old boy is NOT gonna count the days down to his november birthday starting in may. "yes, mom, my birthday is six months away, and your's is tomorrow, but this is what i want..." that's more like it.

my dad's horrible about picking out gifts. not to say he gives crappy gifts, but he just asks you what you want, and he gets it, a practice which doesn't work on my sister at all, for multiple reasons, but the main one being that her answer more often than not is "nothing".

but i spent that morning watching leah swim, listening to that early nineties grunge shit on my walkman, and shaking, literally, in anticipation of breakin' out that awesomest of awesome video game sequels....mortal kombat II.

so, wednesday was my birthday. i'd like to say how i had a great birthday and that i couldn't have wished for a better one, but that would be a damnable lie. damnable -- do you hear me??!

not that it was really bad, or anything. actually, i spent most of it awake, which is to say i woke up at 2:30 (you have to remember it was the day after election day, and i was literally tossing and turning in anxious fits) and did not sleep for the rest of the night. much of the rest of the day seemed glossed over, an epilogue, an afterthought to the herculean task of accepting the current state of affairs.

but i already did my bitching about the system and the idiocy of the country. and i already implored tessa to allow me to show up like a stray dog to live in england. so let's talk about something else for now.

alot of things have changed in the last year, though not my circumstances. most of the changes i'm talking about are things like coming to find out more about myself. what makes me tick. i'm a slow mover for sure. i may take the long way around to do alot of things, but i'm at least satisfied with my conclusions.