The Wee Democracy

distractions

a reprint of the funniest interview i've read in a while, starring my homeboy, dane cook:

Can you believe the stink that was made because we got to see one of Janet Jackson's breasts for half a second?
The fact of the matter is this: I saw Janet's titola for half a second. A half a second of tit is more than no tit, and you know what a guy can mentally do with a half-a-second sneak peek of a tit? Growing up we had cable, but only basic channels. I was the king of watching Cinemax and jerkin' it to a shaky, scrambled half a second of titty. Half a second? Christ, I saw a chick's boob flop out of her bikini at a pool party eight years ago, and we're still living together in my cerebellum. Only now I give her wings, and she does me on the edge of a cliff in a giant nest made of birch bark.

Ever been caught jerking off?
My mom walked in on my once. I was actually standing in the middle of my room nude, holding my hog with my left hand and a Boba Fett action figure in my right. When my mother opened the door, I just froze there on my tippy toes, gripping me and Fett.

What's the worst thing you ever said to a woman?
Umm, I was trying to be funny at the end of a bad date with this hot girl. I walked her to her front door and said, "May I fuck you good-night?"

What was the worst job you had growing up?
I was working at KFC, and the manager told me to clean the bathroom. When I went in, there floating in the toilet bowl was an entire chicken breast. All I could think was either someone really doesn't chew their food, or that's the secret recipe.

Name one thing you've used your celebrity status for.
Free food kicks ass. When I'm in New York, I always seem to go into pizza places where someone's seen my act. I get the hookup. A free slice of pizza makes you feel like a pimp.

Is there anything more degrading than having to take a shit in a public bathroom that has no door?
Yeah, try it in China. I was there doing a flick two years ago, and in most public restrooms in China, they not only don't use doors but they don't use stalls or fucking toilets. I swear to God, outside of the major cities, it is a hole in the ground. I used the bathroom at an airport in Dunhuang. There was a guy in there in a business suit squatting like a praying mantis. Also they don't use toilet paper there. They actually use lettuce.

What was the best practical joke you were a part of?
I've got a buddy who's obsessed with porn. He collects it. His family even knows how diehard he is about his porno. So I hired an actor and actress to start fooling around, and I taped it. I gave it to my friend and told him, "This homemade porn is the best ever." He said he'd be the judge of that. He takes it home and starts cranking it as the actor and actress start getting hot and heavy. Right when the scene gets really intense and my buddy's got his dick out, I had his parents walk in from off camera and look directly into the lens and say, "Our son is disgusting." He called me, freaking out! He said he though the Gods of Porno were stealing his soul.

What's one thing all women should know about men?
The Weezer song "No One Else" says it best: "I want a girl who will laugh for no one else." When a guy sees his girl laughing at something another guy says, deep down it kills us to hell. It also tells us that that guy could have our woman. As a comedian, I know this to be true. Every night I can look out and see it. The chick is cracking up and the guy is laughing, but not as hard as her. Somewhere inside, that guy just lost her a little, and he knows it.

Have you ever tried Viagra?
Nope. I don't need it. I have a little trick called "look at the girl naked." That seems to heat me up plenty.

Have you ever left a strip club with one of the strippers or cocktail waitresses?
Hell yes. Comic and stripper are a great match. Those stripper girls love to laugh. Because there is nothing funny about getting moaned at by a fat dude blowing his liquid Ming in his slacks while you grind your rear on his third chin.

What's the worst way to die?
To get eaten by a shark. The first bite has to suck. You're in the ocean enjoying the peace and tranquility, and next thing you know your legs are halfway down a bull shark's throat while you try to figure out how to swim, paddling with what's left of your hips. At least getting eaten by a shark has some kind of story to it. It's somewhat of a bad-ass way to die. If you're gonna get eaten, let it be by a shark or a grizzly bear. Because no one wants to be this guy: "Hey, what happened to Mike?" "Oh, you didn't hear? Fucking goat got him."