The Wee Democracy

recap wrap

july 29
i'm on the plane now, on my way home, once again feeling envious of the warm towels and comped cocktails that the swells in first class get. i notice that, unlike the flight to new york, the token hot passenger is sitting three rows behind me...not beside me. fortune has spun her wheel in the opposite direction. i haven't written in my book in the last four days, so i'm trying to remember all that's gone down.

oh yeah...

monday the 26th
so monday was shaping up to be a pretty kickass day. really, i guess if you wanted to break it down, the goodness of it started up just after midnight. leah's friend beth and i were heading back to greenpoint after seeing the bourne supremacy in manhattan. the good thing was this: if i want to get home in dallas via mass transit, i'd better get on that last bus that runs at 12:20, or i'd better find a nice comfy spot somewhere downtown to sleep for the night; but here, in NY, in brooklyn, the buses run all night, subways run all night -- it's just a matter of frequency. i remembered getting this sense of liberty and independence that i can get home relatively easily at any time of night, barring intoxication.

i've developed, by this time, an affinity for riding the subways, so going to leah's office for lunch is pretty easy and fun. grubbing at spring street natural, we discuss when i should call that girl, T, and what i should have ready for her as far as plans go. we also go over this bloggy material that i'm planning to read that night at the bowery poetry club.

lunch polished off, i earn my keep by heading uptown and dropping off three rolls of film at altkit on park and e. 18th. i also walk into barnes and noble, looking around, becoming fucking amazed at just how big their store is and what a wide selection they have. i find what i'm looking for and then get on a train bound for....

carl schurz park.

which, by the way is the prettiest park ever. the river helps its ambience so much. it is so pretty that time of day, and, as a bonus, it had no shortage of sunbathin' beauties laying out. i see where monty sits in the opening of the movie, and the little tunnel wherein he got the fuck beaten out of him. it's very peaceful. i'm happy.

so, back to brooklyn, all liquored up on the nectar of a day well spent, and things get better when i call T, who sounds excited to hear from me. it started out kinda scary, because i got her voicemail, but she returned the call promptly with said excitement in her voice. wednesday we meet for lunch.

so the only thing left on the day's docket is a trip to the bowery poetry club. at first it seems cool, and i'm having a good time, but it quickly becomes clear around the time of the fifth rape joke that the words "open mic" tend to attract all manner of stand up comedians who aspire to scrap the bottom of the barrel. some 90 minutes into this geek show, and hanging on by a thread, i turn to leah. "if the next person to get up there is a stand up comic, we're leaving." so, three minutes later, we're standing outside the door, heading home, and i'm angry....very angry.

the bowery poetry club. where poetry comes to die.


tuesday the 27th

there is no big news that does not involve drama on this day. instead, my day is spent basking in the glory of getting all my laundry washed, and folded and packed very neatly by the laundromat down the street for a mere five bucks. that, and eating greasy chinese. leah and i head to the pencil factory, where jill, whom i've decided is the most supportive and generally sweet-natured person i've met in NY, meets up with us to swill along. wednesday is the date, and there is no shortage of talk about that.

wednesday the 28th

so this day was the big day. it was that day where you just can't wait to get up and for the day to get going so you can hurry up and get to that point that you're just fuckin' stoked about reaching. i get up early, which is not so much a conscious decision as much as its about my near state of morninsomnia. really, i'd like to sleep in. kinda like when you get older and it is no longer acceptable to run into you parents room on christmas morning and demand that presents be open, so you either just watch cartoons while twin sloths snooze away precious unwrapping time, or you try to trick yourself into feeling tired and sleeping for an additionl 7 or 8 minutes.

but i get up, shower up, and head into manhattan around noon. i cut photos for leah, and bide my time until a respectable hour, at which i call T, and we make a rather convoluted plan for getting together.

i walk to williamsburg and meet up with her. it's good. i like her. sandobe, i think is the place we eat, and i ingest sushi with her, a bento box, because i don't want to be uncouth, or square. i want to impress her.

ice coffee, the onion, and a walk through an exhibit at FIT, not to mention a book store jaunt, in which we both try to assert literary superiority, are all part of the day-te. she likes my music. she laughs alot, and she's got that whole hearted, unembarassed laugh that just makes me feel good when i hear it. genuine, not polite. she curses, so i don't have to worry about accidental slip-ups or verbal faux pas's. she teaches me how to use chopsticks, and how to eat sushi, and as much as i try to hide it, she can sense how i'm not terribly comfortable with the idea of eating raw fish.

when we finally part, after four hours or so, i ask her if she'd like to join me and leah and her assorted friends as we head to a particular bar.

"i won't know anybody, and i'll probably be ridiculously uncomfortable. do you wanna come?"

i'll call her.

so, time passes and i'm finding myself at this bar, call placed, message left, an hour or so passing, me growing ever impatient. fuck this, i decide, i'm bored, and i'm going home. i make a large spectacle of leaving, and head to the G train stop.

fuck. it's down to one track, and i don't even know what way i'm facing. i do know, however, that i'm facing a decision. fate has it in for me, it seems, and i'm doomed to either stay here and sweat my ass off, or head back to the bar and get drunk alone-ish.

back to the bar, tequila shot ingested, i decide that i want to look like a hardass. saunter up to the barkeep and say, in a gruff voice, johnnie black! neat! downed.

hammered, i find leah. "you're friend called."

so, elated, and completely hammered, i call her back. a few minutes into the conversation, i say hold on! i've been drinking and let me get some water in me. call you back! and i do. and we talk. for a while. and it's good. hey, i'd like to see you again before i go home. can i call you tomorrow? great.

only one day left, and now this is all unfolding. why me, lord?

thursday the 29th - one last thing

i woke up today, acutely aware that i was at the end of something. there was a knot in my stomach as soon as i opened my eyes, and it hasn't left, some twelve hours later. all that getting up early and staying up late, with a minimal of napping, has resulted in my sleeping in. i imagine this is what a death row inmate would feel like if he slept in on his last day. leah's gone, jill's in the kitchen, caking. we talk alot. about life, about NY, moving, discovering what we want to do, how long it takes to get your shit really together in that mid 20's crunch. we talk about leah alot, and, not to sound like a wuss, but i've got to swallow a lump in my throat several times during this portion of the conversation.

ok, enough of this mushy shit, i say. shower time. we call leah, to decide on lunch.

"T called, she wants you to call her on her home number." she rattles it off, and i head down to the payphone. jesus, i'm gonna have to bite the bullet and get a damn cell soon.

"hey!"

"hey. we're going to a diner on south bedford called...uh, diner. meet us there at one."

"ok"

jill and i walk and talk, but mostly just sweat. at diner, leah's met with T briefly and informs me that she's gone to the little store right by diner. i go get her, and she seems happy to see me.

in diner, i can sense this feeling of mild tension, like everyone is on their best behavior. it's the first day at a new school and everyone's trying to be cool, telling stories, mingling with the new friend we just made, desperately clinging to some semblance of comfort. the food is greasy, and i almost abandon any hope of eating in a clean manner. but T orders a chocolate sandwich, so i'm secure in my own choice and eating habits, fried egg sandwich notwithstanding.

after lunch, leah and jill head out, and T and i start walking. we walk alot. she shows me her place for a minute, and then get gelato. we talk. she says she feels like leah was sizing her up and it made her a little nervous. i understand, i say. leah's inscrutable but she's a pretty good person. open minded and terribly cool.

eventually, we find ourselves back at leah's walk-in refrigerator of an apartment. we talk for a bit more, and T gets comfortable. a little too comfortable, and i end up reading for an hour while she naps on my futon.

when i wake her up, i've only got about an hour left before i need to get into a car and go to the airport. we sit outside, and talk for a while. when she leaves, i have a movie moment. things slow down inside my head and i really want to kiss her...but i can't. what have i got to lose? i'm leaving town in an hour. why is it the ones that i want to kiss i can't, but the ones i dont, i can?

we hug. we say goodbye. she walks away. go....run after her, tell her you didn't want to leave without a kiss. tell her that. go. go!

but i don't go. i walk back inside and pack. and then a little while later, i say goodbye to leah, too, and to new york, and to a trip that i don't want to end.



and so here i am, on this plane, writing, trying to remember so much. this is a poor excuse, but it'll do. we'll be in dallas in an hour, and as we get closer, my stomach tightens, my eyes clamp shut, and i just want to pray so hard to wake up, and see the familiar walls of leah's apartment, to have a few more days there, to know that it's not over yet. i want another miracle.



feeling: so much it hurts
thinking of: everything
song of the day: nyc - interpol