The Wee Democracy

recap revisited

july 20

leah said something to me last night during our conversation, and i've been thinking about it. it kind of goes back to that thing i wrote about a couple of weeks ago regarding my slow acceptance of the fact that a few people, a minority, if you will, might actually find me attractive.

"people like you", she said. it felt pretty good at the time, like some kind of fundamental compliment i'd been searching/fishing for for a long while. and it was a breath of fresh air, considering that 9 times out of 10, i don't even like myself.

chris rock, that modern day winston churchill, said that a woman has to love the crust of a man. she can't just love the white part. that's too easy. and i'm like that. i don't always like everything about everybody. all of my friends have flaws, but i forgive them those things and move on. and i'm not saying this in a self-righteous look-how-open-minded-i-am sort of way. but more in a way that their flaws are just part of who they are.

but i, me, josh, to this point, haven't been able to forgive myself of my own flaws. i see them as huge liabilities, cracks in the foundation in the sands the house of josh is built on.

lisa tells me i shouldn't use other people to prop myself up. it's called self-esteem for a reason, she says. ok, so i don't put other folks's perception of my at the top of my priorities. but that does not mean that i shouldn't use it as proof, or as an impetus for a reevaluation my own impression of myself, and maybe take a more accepting stance with regard to my self.

but all this self exploration aside, today was a good day. i can add the NY subway system to my list of vanquished foes, and i must be allowed to bask in the acquisition of a ryan adams cd for a mere 9 bucks, despite having to endure the scornful eye of the oh-so-hip tool that was working the register. i met leah's friend amy, whom i immediately liked a lot. "so damn cool that there needs to be another modifier besides damn to appropriately describe just how cool" i believe was my original impression. she made me want to walk down the street and get a tattoo right then and there -- either she did, or the four beers did.

leah is hesitant to offer me a rematch of chess. with all these consecutive victories over many and varied opponents and generally of an astounding one-sided nature, you irish lasses don't have a snowball's chance against hurricane josh.

i was almost tempted to write "a snowball's chance in texas", but then i would have to give up writing so i could fully concetrate on developing human cloning for the sole purpose of kicking my own ass.



feeling: a-ok
thinking of: renting a u-haul, right now
song of the day: so real - jeff buckley