The Wee Democracy

run for your life!!

i'm going to new york on the 19th to stay with leah for ten days. it promises to be a whomping good time. but this whole thing has started me thinking. time is running out for me.

i've said it before, i don't like making decisions. i'm no good at it. i mean, there was a time when i thought about what to do, then made the best informed decision i could. then opted to do the diametric opposite of that. in the costanza philosophy of things, if nothing i do is right, do everything wrong instead.

take the summer of 2002, which i've touched upon as recently as last month. at first, i thought it was all good, living with a friend, with plans to live with him and others in the following year. working in a job that i liked with people i liked. feeling like a person i was happy to be.

but then my friend explained how i couldn't live with them, because a guy that they had talked to before me decided, after all (and after i'd agreed, mind you) to go ahead and claim a spot in the house. now, in hindsight, with all the drama that went down in that craphole, i'm glad i ended up living on my own.

the summer, i felt, was shaping up to suck, i complained to the lady i worked with, and were it not for this job, and coming in and being able to talk about this with someone like her, i would feel like a complete dumbass.

skip to the beginning of august, a few days after settling into my apartment. i'm sitting there, basking in the glory of my freedom, enjoying that new apartment smell, flopping around on my big bed, in my new sheets, taking pleasure in the cleanliness, and thusly, godliness, of the kitchen before cleaning it every night became a chore. then it was gone.

so it all came crashing down, and i was left with the distinct impression that every decision i made regarding things was utterly wrong. the thought that depressed me the most was that the entire summer, from start to finish was one large mistake. who needs a drink?

i know i should stop with the self pity, but damn. i'm just not good at sacking up and taking charge of my life. and i know i can't spend forever in a department store, and i wouldn't even if it paid well enough. i have to decide what i'm going to do, where i'm going to do it.

to paraphrase major payne, the sad truth is, i gotta get a job.



feeling: like i'm running out of time
thinking of: so many things that i've lost count. i may have adult ADD
song of the day: ruby tuesday - the rolling stones
goodbye, ruby tuesday, who could hang a name on you when you change with every new day. still, i'm gonna miss you...