The Wee Democracy

rise of the sighs

a bit of bad news today. i was strolling into the stock room which doubles as my boss's office, and my locker room, happy as a lark, when deanna, that's my boss, hems and haws for a moment before revealing that she's been offered a job elsewhere. now, by wednesday, i'll know whether or not i've got the job as a teacher, and so that's the point whereat i'll decide if i'm for her leaving or four-square against it.

i'll admit, my motivations are selfish. she's the closest thing to a friend i've got in this town, and we don't even hang out outside of work. so if i had to keep on working there, at the store, even if just to make the money to pick up stakes and head to the NYC, i'd still have to do it with a minimal of conversation, which would be practically unbearable. it would go back to being the worst job i've ever had.

this got me thinking, on the way home, about times when i've had to adjust to them being not a part of my daily life. like when i left my best friend in high school got the boot, and i had to go it alone for a while.

that time i was walking to subway, at the end of my freshman year in college (i told you about it at the beginning of the month), i was thinking about how it would be for three months without my best friends being right down the hall. and it sucked, which is why that was the last summer i spent at home...until i graduated. ugh.

and then right before the end of junior year, when damon left austin, to go to europe then to new orleans for law school. that was pretty devastating. he was my best, closest friend at that point, so it was hard, really hard to see him go.

i hate goodbyes pretty much, is what i'm saying. when i left austin, i barely told anybody. some friends from work, smoot, a couple of other people. but mostly, i just packed up and left. alot easier that way.

i guess the primal worry behind the whole thing is that you think the people that leave you will eventually replace the part of their life that you filled with something or someone else. it happens in youth, why shouldn't it happen later? you break up with one girlfriend, you get another. you have your friends in college, then your friends from work, then your friends from your neighborhood, and your kids play together, all leading, ultimately, to the point where you have to adapt to them not being around.

friendship is a dangerous thing. please stop it, before it gets out of control.



feeling: moribund
thinking of: praying, really, that i get the gig
song of the day: look at me - john lennon
who am i supposed to be?