The Wee Democracy

lies and the lying liars

i love tv. my teacher, mother, secret lover. and in that time i estimate that i've watched somewhere in the neighborhood of 25 to 30 thousand hours of television, which breaks down into three to three and a half years of my total life. now, if you figure that about a third of that time is television proper, and not movies, or HBO, that's about a year. and if you figure that a third of that is commercials, i've been made a lot of empty promises.

i've been lied to. the following claims made by commercials are entirely fallacious:

1 - a razor, no matter how good, cool, or technologically advanced it is, will not shave your face so amazingly that a beautiful woman will walk up to you in a bar and mug down with you immediately.

2 - in the same vein, ordering a particular beer is not an acceptable pick up line. in fact, beer in proper bars is more for frat boys and kids with fake ID's.

3 - when you are "irregular", a kindly, if not a tad socially stunted, elderly black woman will not magically appear with milk of magnesia, and a little public embarassment, holding the bottle like she was on the price is right. you have to buy your own damn bottle.

4 - no shampoo, i don't care how good it smells or how long you use it, will make you cum in the shower. not as long as you're using it on your head.

5 - gential herpes is NOT what's been holding you back from hang gliding or rock climbing. fear of a brutal death upon jagged rocks is.

6 - a lawyer that advertises on channel 27 at two in the morning should probably not be your first line of defense.

7 - talking animals are creepy, i don't care if they're selling cat litter or baked beans.

8 - tampons will not save a sinking boat. i mean, it's not duct tape, people.

9 - a grocery store commercial which prattles on about how much you're saving is lying. if you had no intention of buying your groceries elsewhere, you're not saving crap. you're spending all you set out to spend.

10 - changing the words to bad bubblegum pop songs from the 50's (i.e. la bamba)to suit your advertising needs is NOT, i repeat, NOT a good thing. it is, most assuredly, a suggestion of the dark prince, and should be ignored, for the love of god.

11 - the keebler elves put poison in the cookies.

and finally...

12 - red bull does not give you the power of flight. red bull with PCP, however, will.




feeling: a terribly pain in my back
thinking of: nothing at all
song of the day: imagine - john lennon
you may say i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one