The Wee Democracy

My (sort of) Interview with the President.

Josh: Mr. President, what's up with Iraq? You seem to have screwed yourself as far as intelligence goes huh?

President George W. Bush: The capacity to have good intelligence means that a president can make good calls about fighting this war on terror.

J: Does that mean you fucked up?

GWB: Yeah.

J: So is it fair to say you're a bit of a cowboy? As some may say, a war monger?

GWB: I'm a war president. I make decisions here in the Oval Office in foreign policy matters with war on my mind.

J: That's kind of irresponsible. Don't you think?

GWB: Yeah. I wish it wasn't true.

J: Mr. President, some people, myself included call you a buffoon. How do you respond to these allegations?

GWB: Again, I wish it wasn't true, but it is true.

J: Do you really think you're capable of leading this nation another four years?

GWB: No, not at all, not at all.

J: Let's talk about 9-11. How's that bullshit commission doing?

GWB: We have given extraordinary cooperation with Chairmen Kean and Hamilton. As you know, we made an agreement on what's called "Presidential Daily Briefs," and...

J: Wait, are those like the underwear that have the days of the week on them?

GWB: Right.

J: Cool. Can i get some Presidential Daily Briefs?

GWB: No, not at all, not at all.

J: Mr. President, is it fair to say you're administration is kinda...um...well, liars?

GWB: Yeah.

J: Wow. I appreciate the candor. Won't your administration be pissed that you let the cat out of the bag?

GWB: I want the truth to be known. I want there to be a full analysis done so that we can better prepare the homeland, for example, against what might occur.

J: Like, say, you're getting re-elected?

GWB: Exactly.

J: Back to the underwear - Who makes them? Hanes?

GWB: Vital question.

J: Thank you.

GWB: You know, I'm not going to comment on that.

J: Really? but you just said it was a vital question.

GWB: I'm not going to comment on that.

J: Why not? Who makes them? Is it Hanes? BVD? Fruit of the Loom?

GWB: These are people that will kill on a moment's notice, and they will kill innocent women and children.

J: Hanes kills people?

GWB: That's exactly what i said.

J: So you like briefs...where do you stand on thongs?

GWB: It's happening.

J: Are you wearing one now?

GWB: Obviously.

J: Good lord, sir.

J: President Bush, we were all sad to hear of the death of captain kangaroo last week.

GWB: He was a dangerous man.

J: Captain Kangaroo, are you serious?

GWB: We knew the fact that he was paying for suicide bombers.

J: Mr. Bush, we're talking about captain kangaroo for god's sake! are you insane?

GWB: Obviously.

J: Jesus H. Christ.

GWB: I want the truth to be known.

J: Evidently. So is it fair to say, you hold a grudge against all children's show hosts? I mean, do you think Mr. Rogers was mean to kids or something?

GWB: His henchmen could have destroyed them.

J: His henchmen? you mean the puppets?

GWB: We thought he had weapons.

J: No, sir, they were just stuffed puppets.

GWB: The man was a threat, and we dealt with him.

J: You killed Mr. Rogers??

GWB: That's exactly what i said. And I also said let me put it in context.

J: No you didn't. And besides, what context could their possibly be for playing a serious role in the murder of my childhood hero?

GWB: I call it a vital role.

J: Good for you, you sick bastard! Good lord ... let's just get back to the interview, shall we? Now, there's been word circulating that instead of working on iraq, you're actually just playing alot of dungeons and dragons.

GWB: There is a lot of roles being played by different players, but the U.N. will play...we want the international community to participate.

J: Don't you guys have more important things to do?

GWB: Every life is precious.

J: You sound like you take this game pretty seriously. Would you ever consider playing D&D with saddam?

GWB: Saddam Hussein was dangerous.

J: You played with him? Wow. I thought you guys hated each other.

GWB: No, not at all, not at all.

J: Learn something new, everyday i guess....Mr. President, you seem to be scratching your butt alot. What's going on there?

GWB: I got...discharge.

J: GROSS! Is that what that smell is?

GWB: Yes.

J: Let's try to concentrate here, mr. president! So....wait....why are you smiling?

GWB: I did something.

J: What?

GWB: Discharged.

J: Sick. Well, i guess it could have been worse. You could have gone all michael jackson and asked to see my testicles.

GWB: I was hoping to see one of them.

J: Holy crap! I'm getting out of here!!

GWB: Try to contain him!

J: Get off me! Let me go!

(partially taken from a transcript of today's "Meet the Press")




feeling: thankful to meet the press for this opportunity
thinking of: nothing...this is the high point of my day.
song of the day: hello my treacherous friends - ok go
Hello, my treacherous friends, and thank you for joining me here tonight.
I brought you all here to discuss, as I must, How grateful I am for your insights.