The Wee Democracy

to be, or not to be....an asshole

so i got an email today from jamie. i've still yet to define my relationship to her, but we've an extensive past full of assorted wheelings and dealings. i can't really call her my step sister, as our parents are most definitely divorced. and i feel 'friend' is too inadequate of a title to give her. she was a major part of my childhood, into my late teens. whatever. it's beside the point. and, in the spirit of a great man known as damon, labels are so tedious.

my real intention in bringing her up was to recount what she said in that email. she seems to be a believer in the whole nice guys finishing last thing. as cliched as it is, i must say....i agree. now i'm not saying, that's always the case. i can think of plenty of nice guys who seem to get exactly what they deserve. but at the same time, i can think of plenty of nice girls with guys who plain suck.

lori and thomas. lani and brian. charlotte and james. lauren and blair.

so why? i've heard that we need to repeat what we know, even if it's bad for us. so if we know our insecurities, and need to reinforce them, even recruiting people to unwittingly reinfoce them - is that the reason why some girls end up with complete assholes?

and, even more frighteningly, if all i know is rejection and how to pick girls who are going to devalue all the things that make me me....well that can lead to some serious messiness.

and i'm really not all that nice. yes, i try to be respectful and courteous, but i've got anger, i can be a prick, and selfish. and i could choose to play with a video game over sex (a la lani's boyfriend brian). but where's the fun in that?

do i have to be disrespectful to get respect?

fuck, this is too complicated. and then you've got marriage and that complicates things even more!

i mean, i saw one of my best friends marry the most boring man on the planet last summer.

maybe i'll just stay single.



feeling: utterly confused, almost to the point of forfeit
thinking of: buzzer beaters
song of the day: third planet - modest mouse
the universe is shaped exactly like the earth, if you go straight long enough, you'll end up where you were