The Wee Democracy

Turkey Malaise

or anyways, that's what i call it these days. another thanksgiving come and gone with little to show for it. not that thanksgiving is a time of giving or receiving, like christmas or birthdays. i think all the gifts it really allows for are memories of a certain emotional nature. not necessarily good or bad, but just something that provokes you into reenacting the same actions again this time next year.

it's gotten me thinking. i'm feeling quite detached so far, and it's only just past noon on friday. i love my family and all, but i don't feel particularly close with them right now. it kinda goes back to something i've talked about before, and have been thinking about alot lately. the future, or more accurately, my perception of what the future will be like.

i'm not talking about flying cars or sneakers that have power-laces, or hoverboards -- though by 2003, i at least expected the hoverboards. but i mean, an idea of yourself, how you will be in the future, how your life will pan out, who you'll end up with, where you'll live, what you'll do, things of that nature. things that really can't be accurately imagined. i mean, if you look at a movie like 'minority report', they actually imagined all that futuristic shit up based on what they figure the present will evolve into. but life? no such luck. life does not evolve in such linear patterns.

it's like what marcus and i talk about. the hope hook, he calls it, which is to say, the hope that something or someone will come along and suddenly fit like the mysterious puzzle piece that explains everything up to that point. what makes it so great, and so necessary is that explanatory nature of the hook - everything in your life has lead up to this point, and it doesn't seem so aimless anymore, and it won't again. hopefully.

but, like many puzzle pieces that seem to be the one you're missing, it doesn't always fit, and no matter how hard you pound your fist against that stubborn little bastard, he's not gonna squeeze into the parameters of the missing spot, no matter how much he looks like the hole.

so what am i gonna do, you may ask, if i know the nature of a hope hook is one of fallacy? i don't know. i was thinking the other day, when i registered to take the GRE that i hate making decisions that directly affect the direction my life will take. whether it be to move to Iowa, get serious about the heretofore abstract notion of graduate school, or to ask a girl out on a date. i'm not a risk taker, and i'm starting to think that it's because i'm afraid of success. maybe i just don't know what i'll do if i even got close to the things i want.

because the closer you get to the things you want, the harder it is to take it when you don't get them, and let's face it, i'm not good with disappointment. so the milder i can make said disappointments, the better.

i've gotten off track. i suppose the point i want to make is that hope is, as the matrix says, the source of our greatest strength and our greatest weakness. it's a dangerous and necessary thing to have.

but at least, i've got some leftover dressing in the fridge, and a bucket of cookies to make the time pass easier.



feeling: blah, at best, ugh at worst
thinking of: koreans
*beginning today, i'm modifying the song of the day by putting the the title, the artist, and a line from the song that best indicates the mood i'm in, and thus the reason why i've chosen it for song of the day
song of the day - if she wants me - belle and sebastian
if i could do just one near-perfect thing, i'd be happy